I had to turn off all of the lights and put a hood up for this one. I turned on some music that you didn’t even know existed. This will get deep. I haven’t put any thought into this post. I also haven’t created any fresh, original content in a while so I figured we would try something out.
More after the jump
I really don’t know where this post will go. I have so much to say. Most of which has been sparked by a few events. One of which is making me question my own mortality and faith. The other two are making me stay awake at night wondering where I went wrong.
Can’t we as people, just enjoy what we have when we have it? Why does it take tragedy or loss for us to realize how good we have it? As a society, we turned into ungrateful, self-righteous jerks. I lump myself into that generalization because sometimes I hate myself when I look at all the missed opportunities because I was too blind to see what was in front of me.
Stop it. Literally. Just stop it. Stop living like this. I need to. You need to. We all need to. I think the only thing stopping us from enjoying what we have is the picture in our mind of what we think we deserve. It’s mind numbingly pathetic of me to think I deserve better than what I have. Pathetic with a splash of arrogance mixed with a twist of fantasy.
Thinking back on these things that are causing depression and insomnia, I want to say I would do them differently. However, if you don’t know how the scenario would play out if you took the other path then how would you know if you did the right thing? The “what if” game is the most dangerous thing known to man. For example, what if I took the other path and the results stayed the same? Awful. What if this was the ending regardless of what I did?
About the time these regrets were just minor mistakes in the now, I was in a completely different mindset. I was younger and light years younger in maturity. Even if one of those events only happened last year. Don’t get high and mighty on me with the “No regrets” bullshit claim that everyone says they live by. “I live my life with no regrets.” Yeah right. If you have no regrets from your past, then you truly haven’t taken any risks. No one makes the right decision 100% of the time. Not even Ben Affleck.
You know what? You might be the lucky one. The lucky one person that has made every right decision in your life. I would believe it if one person was perfect or God-like. How come we have a bunch of pretenders saying that they have never made an error if there is no such thing as perfection in human beings? The whole “No regrets” thing would not be such a popular tattoo if people didn’t have to constantly remind themselves to forget the past.
You might be saying that I seem a tad unhinged right now. I would agree. I’m having a moral dilemma. Wondering why I can’t go one year without having some sort of life-shaking moment that makes me question who I am as a person. Every year, something happens to me that tears through my family like a natural disaster. Does this happen to everyone? I find it hard to believe that Joe Jerkoff who works at The Safe Office Center for Boring People doesn’t have this issue.
Are we as people just meant for this? To err and to live blindly until we reproduce and die? Are we not meant to figure out the greater questions in the universe? I love the old Chuck Palahniuk quote: “Earth feels like Hell because we expect it to be Heaven.” I do think expectations ruin reality. However, how can there be such a gigantic universe and humans are given things like curiosity if it wasn’t meant to be explored? The old myth is that we only use 10% of our brain? I’m not sure that is accurate and we won’t have telekinesis if we locked the other 90% but how is something in our bodies still a mystery after all of the time on this planet? If Morgan Freeman can’t figure it out, we’re screwed.
My thought process is one that feels like a torture chamber. I get these ideas that eat at me until I explore them on paper. Then you get a weird ass blog post like this where I start questioning if aliens exist and can we develop mind bullets.
Inspiration has become rarer than vibranium in the Marvel universe. I haven’t felt inspired to sit down and write. I haven’t even been writing for my comedy act. I have been spending days out of my head. I’ve been picking up hobbies like some sort of manic 12 year-old. Who knew I could sell Magic: The Gathering cards for $150 a card?
And lately, I wonder why I even do it. I wonder if it’s going to pay off in the end or is all of this bullshit that I have been stressing out over going to be another regret? I like to think that I would regret it in the future if I at least didn’t try. All the meanwhile accruing debt and avoiding the tedious act of being an adult. I’m starting to think that it isn’t cute anymore.
My mind is scrambled. Lately, I even wonder if I’m making any sense. Sometimes I am feeling like I say things and I’m not getting my point across. I almost got in a fist fight with a guy who claimed he was a professional fighter because I said he wasn’t professional fighter. He almost convinced me that I had to choke him out to prove him wrong. I mean, what the fuck? A quick Google search of his name would have confirmed or denied anything that needed to be proven. His logic: “Oh, I’m not a professional fighter? Well, then put your money where your mouth is and fight me.” That’s like saying “Oh, I’m not a barber? Give me a hair cut then, smart guy.” I’m not saying that I’m a professional fighter, I’m just saying that you aren’t. Ugh. ADHD is kicking in.
Weakness. That is what it all boils down to. Weakness of the soul. Weakness of the heart. Not weakness of the brain. My brain is firing on all cylinders. My heart is damaged and my faith is rocked. It’s a matter of knowing. As people we have to know something exists to take an educated leap into the next step. We can’t just jump into darkness. It gives us anxiety and depression when we can’t know. Then we get diagnosed as mentally ill and given some pill that will ultimately give us liver cancer.
If that didn’t make any sense, just read the first word of every paragraph. Maybe it was all just a message to one person. If it did make sense, I hope you got something out of it.