I see tons of these list every day. It’s all titled something like “Things Girls Do That Guys Don’t Know About” or vice versa. It’s quite stupid. I save them in a file to revisit when I don’t have a head ache because it ultimately will give me one. I’m not going to preface this with much because I’m just mailing it in tonight.
So here is a mind-blowing list from some hack on the internet. I say that like I’m some creative genius. Really, I’m just taking someone else’s idea and just making fun of it like the cool hipster blogger that I am. Also note that I did not create this list. I assume it was created by a woman who took thorough surveys of millions of women to come up with the most prolific list of all time that will blow our minds out of our assholes. Anyway, here it is:
- Wear the same bra for…an undetermined, yet very long time. Unless it smells- Bras can smell? This is news to me but I knew the other part. You bitches aren’t discreet about this. Most of the time you wear a hot pink or leopard print bra for like 9 days all the while wearing tank tops or see through shirts. Also, I’ve seen you naked every day for those 9 days. You aren’t fooling anyone, slophouse. You’re like the missing Marx sister. Sloppo.
- Getting naked and contorting our bodies in the mirror in the most absurd ways in order to try and look skinny- I think girls do this but for completely different reasons. I think girls contort their bodies in the mirror to see if they look fat in different sex positions. If they look skinny in some, they will then give the go ahead for those sex positions. Those positions will be fair game in their next romp. Otherwise, they will be off limits. Some wacky excuse will pop up. “I pulled a muscle” or “My uncle liked it this way.” I’ve heard ’em all.
- Watched themselves cry in the mirror at least once during a heavy cry session. You know after 20 minutes, you want to see if you “cry prettily”. Most of the time, it will be a disappointment- Not news to me. Girls are very vein creatures. Also, they cry often. Odds are they have cried numerous times in front of a mirror, window, reflecting pool or even while Face Timing someone. They won’t look into the camera. They look at themselves on their screen. Girls check themselves out when they walk by a store front window and make the people inside feel self-conscious. Of course they are going to check themselves out when they purposely made their own make up smear down their face like they were the Crow for Halloween. Of course!
- Hold their boobs while running down the stairs- I’m not sure every girl has this problem. I’ve finger-banged a few A-cups. They don’t worry about black eyes while running down stairs. They worry about black guys. Wow. That’s racist.
- Naming their boobs- Duh. Having boobs is like preparation for having a baby. Plus, guys name their junk too. Not me, though. Whatever you hear on the streets, my dick is NOT named Shiva, Endbringer. Hell, I’ve even met a woman who nicknamed her vagina. Yeah. The boneyard. Yuck.
- Let their legs get hairy until they see some action- Yeah. And in the winter, apparently. With technology, why don’t girls just get the laser surgery? Well, I guess then there would be nothing to complain about. Girls always get caught off guard with hairy everything like that will stop me. I wouldn’t care if you were on your period with hairy legs. I don’t give a shit, Bigfoot…meet Dracula.
- Admire another woman’s beauty, as well as be jealous of another woman’s beauty- Nope. This is a trick. When girls say one girl is pretty, they are looking for whomever they are with to say “No, she’s a trash bag.” They are not looking for confirmation of their fears and insecurities. I learned this when I was 15 after a blow up fight about Angelina Jolie who is basically a fictional character. If you don’t know this, good luck losing your virginity.
- Spend far too much time trying to pluck one eyebrow hair that won’t go away- Who doesn’t do this? I pluck my own eye brows. Hell, when I gel my hair if a hair is being uncooperative I will rip that fucker out of my scalp. I don’t mess around, women definitely shouldn’t. Girls are supposed to be virtually hairless, yet aren’t. I could have told you this. Most girls just pluck their whole head and then get hair tattoos. It’s the weirdest thing.
- Practice strip teasing for themselves in front of a mirror. Determine to never strip for anyone. Then break their own rule.- Hm. Sounds sexy. I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten a strip tease. It’s hard to give a strip tease when you’re chained to a radiator.
- When you think no one is looking, you readjust your bra, stick your hand in, pull em up, one at a time, straighten the band and the straps and add an extra squeeze to make sure everything is in place- Yeah, this isn’t news. This is like the male version of the crotch grab. You have to adjust things when you can’t move them and they are on the outside of your body. We don’t adjust our nipples, you don’t adjust your vagina. Let’s just call it a tie?
- Cried for absolutely no reason- LIES. BLASPHEMY. THERE ALWAYS IS A REASON. You charlatan whore. Don’t tell me that there’s no reason. It doesn’t make sense. If there was no reason, you would feel nothing. Not sad.
- When trying to poop in public we try to pretend that we are not in the stall and act dead silent if someone comes in. We won’t poop until they leave the bathroom. If they came to poop, there is usually a poop stalemate. Nobody wins in a poop stalemate.- I guess that is why you used the term “stalemate”? You know, like deadlock or tied. No winner. God, sometimes I think people are illiterate.
- Stabbed themselves in the eye with a mascara wand- Yeah that’s gotta suck. I know girls have done it. The odds are against them. They put that shit their eyes every day to make themselves look like a cat or whatever. It was bound to happen.
- Squatting like a baseball catcher to stretch out freshly washed jeans- Okay, this is news to me. Girls must be stupid. You aren’t supposed to wash denim. I have jeans that feel like fucking pajama pants they are so soft. Get a clue.
- When going on a date they will get ready 2-3 hours prior to make sure they are on time. Then rush the last ten minutes before you have to leave just to realize that they only have half their face on and they are still in a towel- Half their face on? Who wrote this? Gertrude? Ethel? Are you 127 years old? This was a stereotype when Happy Days was on the air.
- Cup shower water in boobies, then unleash water torrent on toes- I may have not known this but I think I was better before. What is the reason? Dirty feet? I don’t understand.
- Stayed up later than planned only because the nail polish they have applied ten minutes ago is still dentable and you don’t want to wake up with dented nail polish. Ever.- Or a blanket full of nail polish, I would imagine.
- Do shower math when they wake up to see how long you have to sleep and if it’s worth showering or go back to bed and put their hair in a bun for work- Every person does this. This isn’t exclusive to women. The only problem is girls will look like they haven’t showered while men will just smell like they haven’t showered.
- After shaving, wear silky or satin pj’s- Well, that just makes sense. Don’t forget that we are men. We use logic. We understand that you just shaved. We also understand that means you think we are expecting to see you naked. You girls really telegraph when we are about to have sex. Girls logic: Silky pajamas, check. Oh, he’s reaching in. Shaved? Check. Oh, I have a head ache. This is how rapes happen.
- That amazing back/stomach scratch when they take their bra off at the end of the day. Best feeling ever- Yeah and I use this to manipulate you. I start scratching that spot before you take your bra off and it’s like having a puppet. Dance for me, puppet.
There you go, guys. Inside the mind of the female, once again! I don’t know what it is that girls think we want to know about their poop and shaving habits. Most of that list was complete garbage. I want to know why girls turn into complete psychopaths if you forget to make contact for a few hours. I want to know why girls will play games and really want to talk to you but will refuse to even shoot a text first to not look desperate. I want to know why girls will tell you that they don’t want a boyfriend, sleep with you and then go out and get a boyfriend. I want to know tons of things. Hearing about period cycles and poop stalemates could be like going to Physics class and learning how to toast a Pop Tart.
Girls will always pull that garbage. “I’m not like other girls. I burp and fart. I watch sports. You can tell by my screen name on Match.com is GiantsGal1086. I like to play video games. I listen to classic rock and get tattoos. No, don’t ask me to watch a chick flick! I want to see the new Godzilla because I’m bleeding out of my cunt and I just want to take a shit and see this movie. Let’s go, bro!”
Who the fuck wants to date a person like that? They are gender bending and it makes me sick. If I want to play video games and watch football, I’ll call my friends or my dad. If I want to hear about bleeding vaginas, I’ll call the Edward Cullen because obviously I’m a vampire now. When I get a girl, I want a girl to be a girl. She can be tough and strong and like guy things buts not ruin it by telling me how awesome it is that she does them. It would be like if Mother Theresa went around being like “Oh yeah, I’m so awesome. I help people and shit. I’m like a living saint. I’m practically female Jesus.” It really takes away from all the good she does, doesn’t it?
Okay to sum it up in one sentence: Don’t take physics if you’re looking for a Pop Tart.