Sometimes I have opinions on things. Other times I just shoot from the hip and say what I’m feeling at that exact second. Normally I will not argue about religion, conspiracy theories, time travel, politics and science with people because people are idiots. There is no use arguing silly things like facts. IT’S USELESS. I have also tried just being the devil’s advocate (which is a stupid term) and just debunked any argument they have. For example: Thermite at the Twin Towers? Uh, yeah. Thermite is used for welding and isn’t explosive. It’s for cutting if anything and there isn’t one I-beam that you can cut through to bring down skyscrapers. Stop getting your science from Breaking Bad, you child.
I don’t believe in silly conspiracy theories like 9/11 or who shot JFK but I do believe Milk causes cancer and won’t touch the vile farm swill. I also believe YouTube and Family Guy are destroying America’s attention span with lazy jokes and quick access to short videos of people getting hit in the head with shovels or puppies falling asleep.
Another theory I have is that people are full of self-sabotage and love to feel as if they are superior. Conflicting ideologies. ConHUGHscius says: When you throw dirt, you give up ground. If you have the secret to success, why share it?
I say all that to say this: When you reveal your secrets on how you get information you lose the upper hand. I know I wrote a post on how to spot a well-trained crazy person but that was because I was in a dark place and I made most of those up. The other ones were directed at someone who was trying (and failing) at stalking me.
Think about it. If I tell you that I heard from Phil that you called me a douche bag, Phil will no longer be a reliable source because you will either use him to relay specific information to me or not say anything to Phil at all. It ruined my whole intel system that could have taken months to set up. YOU PEOPLE AREN’T USING YOUR HEADS.
Now, I see this article from the Thought Catalog (written by a woman, of course) on men revealing their secret tricks on how to tell when a girl is a crazy person. Now, none of these signs will be accurate in describing a crazy person because women are aware that men are aware. Do you see how this works? A woman’s mind is complex and processes information like a T-1000. It is way beyond our comprehension. Well, yours. I’m on a different level.
Let me preface this list by saying I did not create it. I don’t agree with some of it. I’m mad at some it and I agree with a lot of it. However, I think we should have posted this at the Boys Only Tree Fort in my backyard and not on a popular site on the internet. So let us analyze what these traitors to man said:
- She is always playing the victim- Okay, good. One that I agree with right off the bat. This is why we shouldn’t be sharing this information, fellas. Now girls are going to stop playing the victim when they really want to. It’s going to be a good thing because that shit is annoying. However, they are going to repress their victim like feelings and microwave a hamster to get back at me. I can’t have hamster blood on my hands. I can’t and won’t.
- She has kids (by different men)- I don’t know how I feel about this. I have never dated any woman with these things. I guess if she has 5 kids by 4 men it means she likes to fuck? Without a condom? Probably has HPV? Lives in a van down by the river? Smokes Camel Crushes? Drinks boxed wine? Gets Toxic Shock Syndrome often? Feeds her kids McDonalds daily? Is probably named after a car? Has hands like a brick mason? I don’t know. I would have noticed she was crazy way before the multiple fuck trophies.
- “I hate drama but it always seems to find me”- GOD DAMMIT. This is the one that I always run away from like I’m Jesse Owens racing the Nazis into oblivion. When someone says they hate drama it really means they are addicted to it. I have to admit, I love the drama. It makes things interesting. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the Truman Show but like the Hughman Show. Whoa. Human Show? That’s freaky. Chalk it up on the conspiracy theory list.
- “I love horses”- Okay this one is safe to use because girls who love horses a little too much won’t stop liking horses to hide their sanity. Girls who love horses are by far the craziest fucking people on the planet. I don’t mean like they think they are cute or they rode them when they were kids. I mean like obsessed with horses. “Oh, let me gallop around on my steed. I’ll wear a silly hat and name my horse Moonbean and I’ll comb it’s mane until it kicks me in my stupid face. Orbital reconstruction surgery isn’t that much, is it? Whatever. I’ll just breed Mr. Moonbeam to make ponies and then I’ll sell the ponies to the glue factory. There, that’s settled.”
- “I’m not like other girls”- See? This is another fucking game changer. Why?! Guys. Seriously. This is the one that trumps all of the other. This is my reaction when I hear that: “Oh, you aren’t like other girls. Really? Wow. That’s cool. So you have a dick? No. Oh. So what do you do? Burping in public? Wow that’s awesome. What about spitting while smoking Marlboro Reds? Oh that sounds hot. You want to grab a steak and a scotch? I don’t know. I might be busy. Wait. You play Call of Duty every night? There’s no way you can use a urinal without ruining your shoes. I won’t believe it. I don’t care how hard you punch. If you hit me again I’m going to beat you like you broke into my car.”
- “Everyone doesn’t like me. My family won’t even talk to me and I don’t know why!”- This is something a person would say who is already wearing a straight jacket. Whoever says something like this needs to be diagnosed and medicated immediately. I’ve met more composed psych ward patients. For realsies.
- They have problems with everyone at work- Another one. This is one of my cues. You guys couldn’t have taken some of the obscure shit I already posted? You had to use my failsafe? Yes. If a girl is shit-talking Jessica in Accounting and absolutely HATES Paul from Shipping all the while mad at her boss…it might be that she’s a crazy person. I know. It’s hard to believe. She also probably fucked Paul.
- They have too much free time- Another one. This one is tough to tell in the beginning of a relationship. Girls always pretend they’re busy. Well, in the beginning of a relationship they usually are. They are always getting their nails and hair done. Tanning. The gym. All of that good stuff. Give it 6 months. It stops. It all fucking stops. Now you have a translucent, hairy troll sauntering around your basement apartment complaining when you have to go to work. If she keeps living underground she’s going to lose her eyesight like some sort of mole.
- She goes through your phone- I fucking hate this. I use my phone for my insanity and gorilla warfare. My mental problems are none of your damn business, chick. I shouldn’t have to explain myself because I have a note titled “When it is okay to use the N-Word” or why I googled “Large Hadron Collider for sale.” I did that shit under the impression that only the government was watching me. I don’t mind if you want to see if I’m cheating. I don’t cheat. However, don’t dig so deep that you find something. We aren’t going to go through all of my contacts and have a conversation about each one. You really don’t want to know why I have videos of me doing a puppet show for my corgi. IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
- She identifies with crazy people- Whoa whoa whoa. What defines “crazy?” The example they use is Sylvia Plath? That sounds like the name of a platypus. I don’t believe it is a person. Who else is crazy? I identify with characters from Chuck Palahniuk novels? I identify with Dexter. This is all relative. I’m not crazy. Right? Just because I have a lot in common with RP McMurphy does not mean I’m crazy. Everyone visits the psych ward at least once in their life, right?
- She posts dramatic memes- This is stupid. NEXT
- She has no female friends- Great. Another perfect example of how women are nut bags taken right out of my arsenal. This has always been my favorite one. Girls with no female friends are always the funnest because they have a lot of sex. This in turns gets them a nickname like Slutwhore McFilthypants. The friendless girl will then get mad at that group of girls for their nasty rumors. The group of girls will then find out that Slutty Von Slutsberg doesn’t like them and the feud NEVER ends. It’s funny to watch, especially because I don’t consider any girl who has a healthy appetite for sex “a slut.” It’s stupid and your stupid for slut shaming. However, if she can’t get along with another female there’s probably a reason. She probably fucks people’s boyfriends or likes to talk shit. People don’t make things up for no reason. Very rarely have I met a devious person on Petyr Baelish’s level of conspiring in real life. It’s just me and Littlefinger in this category. Everything else is based on fact.
- If she wears more than two rings- I know of a sexy bitch that wears two rings on one finger plus a whole bunch of other scrap metal conveniently located on her body. Magneto could throw her against a wall. It’s hot. She’s not the most rational person in the world but she looks great while being a silly goose full of little metal circles.
- She’s into that new age nonsense- This is obvious. If you have cancer or some sort of plague and some broad tries to stick you with shish kebab needles or throws healing crystals at you, it might be that she is a lunatic. I will never understand why people do not trust science. I really don’t think some tree bark is going to get rid of your terminal cancer. Hey, did you know you can learn about it before you get the treatment? You can read studies and even study things yourself. It’s a kooky world we live in, folks.
- She is insecure- This is an annoying trait for a woman but I don’t know if it makes her crazy. Everyone feels insecure from time to time. I guess if it is excessive, I would call it a day and euthanize her. It all depends on if you are giving her reason to be insecure.
- Excessive calling and texting- Again, it’s not being paranoid if it is warranted. Are you being a cheating asshole? If so, don’t get mad when she is asking where you are. It’s that simple. Sometimes a 12 second text to clear her mind is quicker than her clearing your mind with a 12 gauge.
- She is shitty to the help- I can’t stand this. If I’m on a date and the girl decides to be a jerk to the waiter because the bartender didn’t make her mojito right; I might call Mjolnir down from the heavens and smash-up the fucking place like the God of Thunder himself. These people are at work. I don’t like to be annoyed at work. Why would you treat people at work shitty? They are at fucking work. They are already miserable. Maybe a smile and a nice tip will make their day and then they hold a door open for someone tomorrow and then that person helps a guy change a tire in the rain and that person decides to not microwave a hamster. You know how I feel about hamsters, yo.
- Dream is to be a stay at home mom- Yeah this is a no-go. I don’t think it makes someone crazy. Times have changed but some girls are old-fashioned and want to be like their mommy. They want to raise the kids. I can see a broke-ass dude saying that this is a non-negotiable. However, it is a no-go for me for an entirely different reason. It’s because I would like to be the one who stays at home and pretend to do things. I prefer the term “Trophy Husband” or “Stay at Home Hughbear.”
- She’s kinky- Stop. Stop it. This is stupid. You are going to think a woman is crazy because she is good in bed? She’s into freaky stuff? All girls are kinky if you unlock their potential. If you are good in bed, she will want to keep up. It’s that simple. I have had some boring ass sex from some of the craziest cunts on the planet. This is stupid. STAHP.
- She works at a salon- Ha. Funny, but I don’t agree. I know too many stylists to comment on this. They do the lord’s work. They take annoying women off of our hands for hours at a time and have to listen to them gossip and complain. Plus women who work at salons always have the cutest hair styles. If my barber Arthur didn’t cut my hair like a demigod, I would be going to a salon. Some guys are just ignorant. He was probably talking about his ex. Dummy.
- She tries to manipulate you by crying- This doesn’t mean she is crazy. This is basic psychology, homie. This means that she has never learned how to self-sooth as a child. This means that every time she has ever cried in her entire life, she has gotten her way. That’s not a crazy bitch. That’s a spoiled little girl. I’m sorry, I usually don’t speak in absolutes. Only a Sith speaks in absolutes.
- Quotes Marilyn Monroe- Again, this is hilarious. This is actually a good one. I understand why people idolize her. My friend Alyssa will give you a thesis on why Marilyn was awesome but I don’t know. Girls do like to use her quotes over some smeared lipstick clipart to cosign their bad decisions so I will give you that. I’ll get back to you on this one. I have to research this thoroughly. Now I’m interested to find out if well adjusted women quote Marilyn.
- She’s willing to date me- See, I didn’t write this because I know better. I know that this is a rip off of a Groucho Marx joke. “I refuse to join any club that will have me as a member.” That’s his joke.
And I’ll end it here. Well, the list ends there. Just to let you know that girls made a list too but it’s so long and boring. Ugh. The punch line to most of the jokes are just the word “NOPE.” I’m positive they do this shit on purpose because guys are looking at porn and setting their fantasy teams not reading on how to be a better person. Long and boring would definitely deter people from reading. Their list is neat and organized and explained thoroughly. Our list can be read in 1 minute. Or a fifth of attosecond if you are The Flash. Take care, jerks!