Holy shit, you guys. I was not going to write anything today. I wanted to watch Training Day, write some mean jokes about my friends and just relax before I hit the road to do comedy with Mike Keegan, Terry McNeely and George Gallo. We will be in Bristol, PA at The Comedy Works this weekend. Come down for a laugh!
Today, I saw this article:
Seriously, you guys…I don’t think I’ve [literally] ever come across a crazier, more psychopathic, delusional article. Is it me or is that article’s title missing a preposition? Whatever. This article is personalized and everything. This writer for the Elite Daily (of course it is the Elite Daily…because who else?) has lost her god damn mind because a guy didn’t return her text. We have to discuss this. We just have to.
The easy solution to my headaches would be to stop reading things from the Elite Daily. However, every super hero needs a villain. Right? Though, sometimes I don’t know which role I play. Can one website be this full of stupidity? Does my moral compass need recalibrating? Am I speaking out loud? Can you hear me?!
When I am scrolling through my Facebook timelines, I really can’t help looking at some of these awful websites. These terrible internet eye sores like Buzzfeed and The Elite Daily are thrown into my life because YOU WON’T STOP SHARING THEIR GARBAGE. I don’t care what crayon or cartoon character you are. I really don’t give a shit about all the things a 90’s kid will never forget. I lived through the 90’s and I won’t forget those things. Why do you have to point them out to me? It’s like idiot fuel. I have to keep telling myself: “THE FIRE WILL CLEANSE! THE FIRE WILL CLEANSE! THE FIRE WILL CLEANSE!”
Okay, enough about how stupid my Facebook friends are. Here is the opening quote from the article. Some things can’t be un-read, man:
It’s happened to many of us. You meet a boy; he’s cute enough, fun enough and you decide you just might like him.
You go on some dates, get a little physical and text each other almost every day. This goes on for about a month or so and then, on some random day, you text him and don’t receive the usual quick response.
You think that maybe he’s just super busy at work. More hours pass and you think maybe he left his phone at home.
A whole day passes, and you figure that his phone must just be broken; he’ll get back to you. He always gets back to you. I mean, you’re practically dating, right?
You text him again, just in case he missed it the first time. Still, you get nothing. Texting him three times with no response would be kind of aggressive, you reason, but you do it anyway, out of sheer desperation.
Suddenly, the harsh, sinking feeling of reality hits you: He’s not going to get back to you. His phone didn’t break and he isn’t busy.
You know he saw your text messages because, let’s be real, this is 2014 and everyone sees every text, every time.
He’s just done with you and has decided that instead of telling you this, he’ll just take the all-too-common, cowardly way out and simply never contact you again.
To all of you boys out there who do this — and I know from personal and observed experience that there are far too many of you — it’s time for someone to speak up and speak out.
Cheese and crackers, I have been advocating that break ups should be very clear to both parties for like 2 weeks now. I also think that getting into a relationship should be clear to both people. I think in this case, she wasn’t aware of her role in his life. Like her actual role. Not the one she pretends is real in her head. That is probably the easy explanation. I’m sure there is a much more complicated, drawn out explanation that involved the words “douche bag” in every other sentence but I really don’t care about that. I know that this isn’t a black and white world. I’m a man of vast color. I love to live in the grey area. In this case, I believe it is simply an open and shut case.
In my last post, I talked about this very thoroughly. My main point was that if I came out and said all of the things that were truly on my mind, it might not make you feel better. If you think I am a douche bag for cutting contact with you, what will you think when I tell you: “I don’t like you as a person. I find you boring and I think I’m settling when I’m with you. Does this make you feel better or worse?”
I’m sure it is awful when there is a break in communication. I wouldn’t know from personal experience. Not knowing can be painful. Though knowing exactly what is wrong can be worse. Some people like to say things like “Say what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean.” I don’t think that has ever been practiced in a break up.
BUT WAIT! THIS GETS DUMBER!
In the next part of the article she creates a fake person named “Richard” (obviously for the dick jokes) to write an open letter to. The letter starts out by saying something similar to her saying: “Listen, Richard…I’m not crazy but here are the reasons why I’m crazy. Also, here is a list of reasons why you should get a restraining order. If my personality, looks and general outlook on life wasn’t enough for you to want to run away from me, here are a bunch of other reasons! Sincerely, Insanity Personified.”
Okay, I’m reading this open letter and I have to break it down. Line by line (Fire Joe Morgan style, for my internet sports nerds). I just have to. You will see why. Switching up my style, I’ll be in the bold italics:
Let me start by saying that, no, I’m not obsessed with you. I’m not a crazy girl, who thought we would be in love forever and cried after realizing it wasn’t true. In fact, when we first met, I wasn’t even that into you.
Already addressed this. If you weren’t that into him, why are you still obsessing about how it ended? Also, pretending you weren’t into him after the fact is just silly.
Sure, you’re cute enough, and yes, you’re very funny, but the fact that you seemed instantly interested in me kind of turned me off. I figured, hey, he’s a nice guy. I might as well give it a shot.
So when he liked you, you didn’t like him. Then when he stopped liking you, you became obsessed with him? Did you take your pills today? This is a psychoanalyst’s dream.
Give it a shot, we did. I know we never discussed whether or not we were exclusive, and for a while, I didn’t really care. It was fun to hang out with you and it was fun to fool around.
We had a good time together, didn’t we? I mean, I know you did because you told me so.
Oh no. Don’t start questioning his words. I can see an existential crisis coming on. Soon you’ll be screaming “YOU SAID I WAS PRETTY!!!!” into his voicemail while applying cherry red lipstick to your mirror image.
I’m not an insecure person, Richard. In fact, I’m one of the most confident people I know. I don’t date losers because I don’t think I have to and I don’t chase after boys who don’t want me because I’m confident that there are plenty of others out there who will.
“Hey, listen Richard. I’m not insecure, in fact I’m so not insecure that I’ll write a thesis telling the internet how confident I am. I also don’t chase after boys but this is me chasing you in a vague and pathetic sort of way. My most redeeming quality is obviously my hypocrisy”
So, how did you — some tiny blip in the radar that is my life, some insignificant, one-month-long conquest — get me to sit around, obsessing over what went wrong?
Stop referring to this guy like he didn’t rock your fucking world, chick. This makes me physically ill because it reminds me of a girl that I know. A blip on the radar? After the mild stalking and the article about him, maybe he’s more than just a drop in the bucket. Stop trying to be tough about this. Your estrogen is showing.
You, you son-of-a… Dick, you made me feel like a crazy person. It’s not because you were spectacular and it’s not because I was deeply — or even mildly — in love with you.
HIT THE DECK! SHE’S GOING TO LOSE IT!
But seriously, folks. I can’t stand this passive aggressive bullshit. How can you read that without getting a head ache? In one breath she is talking about how remarkably average this man is then completely negating anything she previously said in the next breath.
It is obviously a case of a SES. Shattered Ego Syndrome. She thought she was hot shit. She thought she had the upper hand in the relationship and this dude dropped some napalm on the foundation of her being and made her start to question everything she knows to be true.
It’s because you took something that was consistent and comfortable and you put an abrupt end to it; you put an end to it without warning me you were going to put an end to it. The natural human response to that sort of action is to wonder: Why?
I want to meet this man. This great man. He broke up with a girl and made that girl question who she was as a person. This is the emotional equivalent of finding out you were adopted.
Imagine you go to the same job every single day for a month, and every single day, you sit at the same desk, in the same office, surrounded by the same people. Then, one day, you show up to work, and everyone and everything (including your desk) is just gone.
No. That is an awful analogy. This guy isn’t gone. He’s still around. It would be like someone telling you that you have been fired but not giving a reason. Except in this scenario, you aren’t bragging like a stuck up such and such.
You’d be kind of confused, wouldn’t you? You may even feel a little angry. This doesn’t mean you were obsessed with that job or that office or even that desk, would it? No, it would just mean that you were genuinely perplexed and felt you deserved some kind of explanation. Do you get where I’m going with this?
Why do you deserve an explanation? What makes you so fucking important? Your ego is going to suffocate us all.
I don’t know what happened between us, Richard. One day everything was fine and dandy and you were texting me about how boring you found your job to be, and the next day, I’m cringing every time my phone vibrates and it isn’t you.
Maybe things were not fine? Maybe they were the opposite of fine? Maybe he was pretending that things were fine just like you pretended he was something you would be interested in?
I’ve never replayed anything over in my head so many times. Did I do something to piss you off? Did someone in your family die? Did you die? I’m not kidding, I really want to know because I really don’t understand.
I can’t believe that we went this far in the article and you are just now talking about the possible scenarios in which you would be the bad guy. How does one not look inward after a break up? It is maddening. Everything is always the other person’s fault because there is no way on earth that we could do something wrong! /sarcasmfont
Oh, and…Did he die? C’mon. Seriously? Are you guys not Facebook friends? A quick Google search would let you know that he died. And what if he did? Or what if his mom died? Wouldn’t you feel like a jerk if that was the case. So why don’t you stay on topic and how you did something wrong.
All I ever wanted was a simple explanation – any explanation, even if it was a lie you made up to make me feel better.
Maybe because you are a lunatic? Maybe because you didn’t seem like you were putting in any effort into this relationship? Maybe because you honestly didn’t give a shit until he stopped caring? Maybe because you are a passive aggressive maniac who thinks she is entitled to things?
Also when a person is lied to after a break up, they NEVER accept it. They question it until the “dumper” is tongue-tied and called out as a liar and a coward. Don’t act like you want a lie. That’s absurd. You would never let the lie sit because it wouldn’t make sense. You are questioning silence, for Christ’s sake. Why would he believe that you would accept something you believe to be false?
It takes fifteen seconds to compose a text message and for some people, probably less. Fifteen seconds — that’s all it would have taken you to give me just a little heads up that, hey, I’m not going to be in your life anymore, so be prepared.
Why do you need to be prepared for someone to leave your life? Death happens randomly and suddenly. Are you going to ask God or the Universe for some fair warning before they take out your Uncle? It doesn’t work like that. People do not have to give you fair warning that they are leaving. They have to give you fair warning when they are arriving because otherwise that’s called “surprise sex” or “rape.”
Sure, I would prefer something a little less blunt and a little more sensitive, but at least that way, I would have stopped thinking about you a long time ago.
This is what it comes down to, huh? We finally found the under lying reason. You are upset that you are thinking about him and he isn’t reciprocating those thoughts. You think that this situation is unfair. So, like a typical privileged American broad you have to speak your mind and ask for something that you most likely don’t deserve. Yuck.
Is that what this is all about? Do you like knowing that women are wondering where you went and why? Is it some kind of ego boost for you? You twisted little man-child, you.
Oh, now we are back to the insults? I also find it comical that you are recognizing someone else’s ego yet completely ignoring how out of control your own ego became.
Fine, Richard, go ahead and think I’m crazy for texting you too many times over those few days when I still had hope you’d reappear.
This is called “projecting.” You are projecting things in your head that didn’t actually happen in real life. Do you know how you can tell? If he was prepared to drop you from his life completely, he most likely had some sort of just cause. If he had the logic to break communication totally and completely, I’m positive that he wasn’t too upset about you texting him three times in a row. See? Creating fictional situations can be fun!
Go ahead and tell everyone how obsessive I am for drunkenly texting you a couple of weeks back when I asked why you evaporated into thin air. Tell all your friends you just have the worst luck and attract only the crazy girls.
This is gold. Trying to quickly brush over the admission of drunk dialing. I think if this article went another 500 words you would figure out she microwaved his hamster out of jealousy or she cursed out his sister for saying “I love you” on his Facebook wall.
You know what they say: Date one crazy girl, she’s probably crazy. Date two crazy girls, she’s still probably crazy. Date only crazy girls, and you’re probably the one who needs a head check, you infuriating man-child.
WHAT THE FUCK? Other than me, who said you were crazy? Either he replied to you and said you were a crazy bitch which means this article is based on lies OR you just created this whole thing in your head which means you are a crazy bitch and nothing is his fault.
END TRANSMISSION. Well that is it, folks.
I really liked the analogy I used up there about being fired from a job. The feelings that are brought about from being fired are very similar to those of brought about from being dumped. People will tell you they were fired because their boss was a dick. People will tell you they were dumped because their guy/girl was a dick. Why do certain people always feel that they are 100% free from the guilt over their current situation? You can only reap what you sow or karma and etc.
I really think it stems from some sort of childhood/American thing where we feel like we have some sort of privilege to things that we don’t deserve or even need. I think that the people who would complain about something like this believe they are entitled to tons of other things that they didn’t work for.
In the comments section of that article, I think you will see that the writer takes a beating. Words like “depression” and “pathetic” are being tossed at her like live grenades. I feel bad because this is a topic that needs to be discussed by better minds than hers. Also, her ego is clearly an issue.
People need to have clear break ups. The easiest way to have a clear break up is to have clear boundaries from Day 1 in the relationship. You have to be on the same page as your partner and if you aren’t, things won’t last. Then when things don’t stay gold (Because nothing does, Ponyboy), you can’t pretend like you didn’t see it coming.
Wow. This might be my longest post ever so I will cut it here. I hope I clarified some things for you in this because my head ache is finally gone.