Hello. I am back from my little stand up comedy expedition in the Midwest. For more information, look at the post that I wrote for the Get Involved Comedy page.
This is a cool article that was sent to me by an anonymous reader so I would like to post it. No I didn’t write it… I will be chiming in with the italics and picture captions, like usual. Thanks to whoever wrote this. Just read it, will ya?
I want to talk about the types of girls that I have been attracting. Lately, it has been a cluster fuck of estrogen and bad decisions (Editor’s Note: Preach, brotha.). By lately, I mean the last 15 years. I’m going to be digging into the vault for this one, so let’s drag some bitches through the mud!
Well, this may get me in trouble so I removed my name. Or it may turn out to be funny and informative. Who knows. I think if I list enough of them, we will see a theme and maybe I can change what I am attracting. Maybe I can land some sort of intelligent and sexy woman that is driven and independent or maybe I’ll just keep attracting girls that hate themselves with “alcohol dependency, daddy issues and oral fixations” as you like to say. (Editor’s Note: Oh wow, you pay attention.)
The Alcoholic Man Hitter- This is a great one to date, fellas. You know the type. She wants all of your attention all the time. When she doesn’t get it, she gets drunk and mean. Then she will say something to provoke you. Then you will say something in response to her provocation. You know, after asking her to stop numerous times. It will usually start or end with the word “cunt.” Then she will eventually punch you in the face in a night club 9 times because she wanted to know an answer to a question. Or maybe she will take an unopened beer can and connect on your jaw like a prize fighter to knock you off your feet in a sump. Either way she sleeps like a baby at night and you bite your own teeth. (Editor’s Note: That is Jim Norton)
The “I Swear I’m Single” Girl- Another winner on my list. A girl that I always had a crush on in high school meets up with me at a bar. She swears she is single despite my knowledge of a man who would be mad if he heard her say that. (Editor’s Note: That’s Mitch Hedberg) We have a few less than romantic nights that involved me face fucking her until her mascara was ruined. Until the boyfriend finds out and gets his buddies for a good old fashioned lynching.
The “I Swear I’m Single” Girl (Phase 2)- She was adorable, athletic and personable. She came to meet my family and everything was going great for 8 months. That was until I found out she was dating someone for 4 years. I found out because I kicked in the guys door, smashed some plates and broke his Xbox. He was just as shocked as I was that our little girlfriend was splitting her time between the two of us. He had precedent, though. Que sera.
The Model with Mental Issues- Ever have your phone die when you are way too far from home and wake up with 46 text messages and 17 voicemails closely following the arc of a mental breakdown by some bi-polar wackadoo? Ever have that same girl pretend like that was all your fault after you warned her about said cell phone about to die? Ever have that girl blame it all on medication? Yikes.
The Pothead Infidel- I had a nice connection with a girl in 2004. We didn’t end up hanging out alone until 2008. When she came over, she wanted to drink and watch a movie at 8PM. Her idea. I obliged. Your “twenty minute rule” for movies took place. Her move. She only wanted to be on top for the entire time. Her nipples were pierced with marijuanna leaf barbells. When I came back from the bathroom, she was fully dressed and ready for her next date at 10PM. I gave her some mouthwash (MY idea) and told her good luck.
The Last Fling Before Marriage- Were you ever approached at a bar by a stunning perfect 10? Did she say something suave and sexy like “Oh, so you’re the infamous Anonymous.” Then have insanely passionate sex and you fall in love only to find out that you lost her to another man…for life. Yeah, that is a rough feeling. This is when I found out that love was just a superstition and sex is currency. (Editor’s Note: I’ve heard that before too…)
The Gorgeous Airhead- This was another regret on my part. I should have locked up this one. She was allergic to latex for Christ’s sake. She was beautiful and sweet and always meant well but she was about as interesting as a vending machine. She only watched reality TV and took way too many selfies. (Editor’s Note: There is NOTHING wrong with selfies)
The “17 is legal in this state, I think…”- This was a fun one. Always awesome being someone’s boss and falling into a trap that could turn into 10 years in a penitentiary. Do your God damned research, fellas. One time she had her period and started giving road head. I pulled over to the side of the road to explode in her throat. Instead I was pulled over by the cops and I got out of the car half naked to talk to the cops. They thought I was in there with a dude and let me go for being straight. Finally, a straight white male catching a break.
The Former Slob- This gluten free nightmare was getting like 10 numbers from guys behind the bar. She only wanted to hang out when she was working. Then she would feed me Jameson until I passed out at her house. She was remembering when I was a High School stud and she was a chubby zilch. That lasted about a weekend until I wanted to eat pizza and smile again.
The Vengeful Psycho- One time I used this stranger who was a girl to get free drinks from her bartender friend. We ended up having a one night stand because I had to get a poisonous batch out of my beanbag. Later when I wanted to stop talking to her, she broke a window in my car. She sent a letter to my house saying that she was pregnant and she had syphilis. In retrospect she may have been a crazy person!
The Drug Addict Sociopath (times 2)- Tried this one twice. One time she was a rich girl who was dumb as a box of rocks. She also couldn’t comprehend things like compassion, empathy or monogamy. The second time was an issue of larceny, night terrors and distance. Always adorable to get a cute little crack head on your arm. I can’t believe I fell in love both times…
The ex-Dominatrix- This one isn’t even a joke. I literally rolled off of her and she started talking about being paid for sex and leather whips. I was horrified yet happy I didn’t have to pay for it. She had said she had 150 guys inside of her (Editor’s Note: Hopefully not at once.) before she got into the “business.” I felt like my dick was going to pack up it’s balls and leave town for good. *rimshot*
The “You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone” Female- This is always a fun one to deal with. You know the type that you can’t stand? Her breath always tasted like sour milk and cigarettes. She drank like a fish and danced like a whore. A Little Mermaid of sorts. She was okay with my demons and acted like she was doing me a favor by being with me. Good riddance, you lunatic.
The Party Girl Hypocrite- This one makes my skin crawl. Another time that I felt like I fell in love. She was as smart as a whip. Her body was lean from hardcore gym sessions. She was funny and beautiful. Her problem? She’s a hypocrite cunt that doesn’t even realize it. She preaches yet hates preaching. She hates men for hating women. She is also one of those people who only want what they can’t have. I should never have sunk to the gutter to nail this bar sponge. Fraud. Fake. All words that come to mind when her skewed moral compass points in my direction for a night. (Editor’s Note: Ugh, I just want to shake the stupid out of her.)
The Stalker EDM Chick- This one must have checked out the Vengeful Psychopath and was like “Oh yeah? I’ll one up that shit.” She started doing her research. She was calling and talking to my mom as law enforcement. She was threatening legal action for some made up psycho-babble. She also made up a DWI at 4AM trying to get me to come save her from the police the day after her imaginary vagina surgery. (Editor’s note: *head explodes)
The Naive Country Girl- Now I have not been an angel with my time on this Earth. Not even close. However, everyone around me knew that I had demons to fight…except her. It was almost maddening how easy it was to get away with things. She either wore extremely rose tinted glasses or she was an idiot. Either way, she couldn’t stay. Oh, and she listened to country music. Yuck. You know anyone who listens to country must have been touched by an uncle.
The “Hung Up On Titles” Girl- This chick is always way too pretty for her own good. Her biggest concern is social media. Constantly posting selfies or tweeting. It’s as if her heart will only pump if she gets a certain amount of likes on Facebook like some sort of fucked up “Cranked” situation (Editor’s Note: Great movie reference). Her most glorious day is when you send that Facebook request so she can lock you in as her boyfriend. She has had big plans to promenade you around like some sort of prize horse. When the request never comes, you will be dancing around topics like Nathan Lane on Broadway. “I like you, like like like you. I just don’t want to be hurt because my feelings are strong when I’m with you and we are hanging out and seeing each other. Would you call it dating? We go on dates, right?” (Editor’s Note:*puts gun to head*)
So this got quite long, I figure I will just cut it there. I didn’t learn much but I had fun writing and taking a trip down memory lane. Thanks for giving us an outlet to vent anonymously, my diary wasn’t fun anymore.
Editor’s Note: Well, thanks for coming back and reading after my road trip. Remember, A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. That is what makes me a dating guru. Trial by fire. I’m a blooded Spartan surviving battles with perseverance. Apparently this guy should be too. His dating history is even more fucked up than mine. Thanks to my anonymous friend for the article. See you next time.