Let’s get this straight. I’m not marrying any man. Pun not really intended? I took the headline from the main article. If you couldn’t tell, I’m back to reading articles from this site called the Elite Daily. They drive me crazy. This article was written by another female, the article is entitled The Difference Between The Man You Marry and The Men You Hook Up With. It came across my Facebook feed. Obviously, some poor girl who gets used and abused like a Siamese fuck doll probably posted this on her stupid wall to let her Facebook friends know that she is smart enough to tell the difference between the two types of gentlemen the article describes. I don’t remember where I saw it but you have to be retarded to resonate with this. You have to be an even bigger retard if you do not know the difference between marriage material and a one night stand.
So let’s get right into it after the jump:
This is article is very basic. It’s all about Mr Right v. Mr Right Now. That stuff makes me sick. It’s just profiling. You are lumping men into two categories based off of certain traits and behaviors. I’m pretty sure if the police did that, we would have riots. In reality, we are speaking about women so there will be no logic used. They could chop a man’s head off with a gender reveal party cake slicer and there wouldn’t be a whisper in contradiction.
Despite my prejudicial nature of this EliteDaily website, she does give some decent advice. She starts off by saying that every guy you date isn’t necessarily bad for you. I like that. I don’t like when people say that every person from your past was just getting in the way of the spouse of your dreams. That isn’t true. Not even in the slightest. Everyone you have dated up until now has been training for “the one.” They have been learning experiences and lessons. Without them, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. Never forget where you came from.
As a man, I wanted to dismiss this. However, my curious nature and inquisitive brain likes to read up on what women are talking about in regards to relationships. I feel like I am reading secret documents when I see something like this. My dream has always been to become a secret agent who could dunk a basketball but I can’t be a secret agent, or dunk a basketball…
So if you’re the opposite of me, you will read this and be like “ZOMG! SO THIS IS HOW I CAN HOOK UP WITH MORE GIRLS!” and force this girl to delete the post due to it back firing. Or, you can take it for what it’s worth. Whatever.
Anyway, here is their list (My usual commentary in italics):
1. The man you marry wants to grow old with you; the men you hook up with never grow on you.
I always find that “grow old together” thing super creepy. Most guys look for a person to tolerate for one night. Girls look for someone they can “grow old with and die next to.” Totally creepy.
2. The man you marry notices when you change your hair; the men you hook up with expect you to have no hair (down there).
I think the man you marry wants you to shave your vagina too. Anyway, how is a one night stand supposed to notice you changing your hair style? You only knew them for one day. Most of the time women expect you to be some sort of wizard and read their mind or predict the future.
3. The man you marry toasts with champagne; the men you hook up with toast with drugs in your champagne.
The man you marry toasts with champagne…the men you hook up with date rape you? Is that what girls are looking for? Date rape? How am I still single then?
4. The man you marry doesn’t go through your cell phone; the men you hook up with live in your cell phone.
The man you marry doesn’t go through your cell phone but what are you hiding, trollop? Anyway, how does one live in a cell phone? Is that a metaphor? I’m bad with metaphors.
5. The man you marry doesn’t take your sh*t; the men you hook up with are full of it.
Alright, so if the man you marry doesn’t take your shit…you won’t get mad at him for divorcing you? This is confusing. Also, you are hooking up with liars? Date raping liars? This is getting dark…Quick…
6. The man you marry sees the world with you; the men you hook up with see your bedroom.
Well, I’m not taking a one night stand to Paris…
7. You have long, meaningful talks with the man you marry; you have long, meaningful discussions with yourself about the men you hook up with.
The difference is you are with the man you marry for much longer. I’ve been on dates where women have talked for hours straight. No breathing. No segue for me to interrupt and talk about Game of Thrones. Nothing.
8. The man you marry fixes things; the men you hook up with are temporary fixations.
Low self-esteem, daddy issues and oral fixations. The perfect woman. However, I am a very handy manly man, so I have been asked to fix things while being a temporary fixation. So checkmate, me?
9. The man you marry binge watches Netflix with you; the men you hook up with can’t keep their hands out of your pants after selecting “The Departed” (…not that we see anything wrong with this).
There’s a twenty-minute rule for watching movies. After twenty minutes, sex is fair game. The Departed is an excellent movie and it is not exempt from the rule.
10. The man you marry drives you wild; the men you hook up with drive you insane.
That’s weird. I think every married woman would switch those two.
11. The man you marry doesn’t know about the men you hook up with; the men you hook up with know about the man you marry… via Facebook.
Is it me or did she just say she was cheating on her husband? Women are twisted, man.
12. The man you marry is at your beck and call; the men you hook up with don’t call — they text (…mostly after midnight).
Well if you designate a man to “booty call status” you won’t be responding to our dick pics when you are at work. Ya silly goose.
13. The man you marry gets to know your friends; the men you hook up with become your friends (…which can get super awkward when the man you marry comes along).
Again…wouldn’t you want to switch that to the man you marry becomes your best friend while the men you hook up with get to know your friends? Also, if I marry a chick, she is not bringing me around some dude she had dirty, drunken sex with while I’m begging for a blow job on my birthday. Zero tolerance for this. Non-negotiable.
14. The man you marry takes you out on dates; the men you hook up with only see you out.
Understandable. It took until point 14 for me to agree. I finally stopped scowling yet I’m still angry.
15. The man you marry loves your flaws; the men you hook up with are unaware of those flaws.
I find that it is our imperfections that make someone perfect. This just tells me that your hook ups are oblivious. Most likely because they are a lying date rapist who is dead to the world.
16. The man you marry wants to fulfill you; the men you hook up with only want to fill you up… with lust. (Get your head out of the gutter!)
I’m not sure I understand this one. Was this a cum joke? I would have made a sailor reference. Get it. Sea man? Ahh you get it!
17. The man you marry meets your parents; the men you hook up with you hide from your parents.
I would hope that the man you marry meets your parents at some point. If I’m just a hook up, why the hell would I want to meet your dad? Dads feel some sort of responsibility to tell you not to hurt their daughter. Meanwhile I just donkey punched her into the head-board and she has rug burn on her knees. Sorry, pops.
18. You’re unsure if you’re going to marry the man you eventually marry; you think you’ll marry the men you hook up with.
This is stupid. Then why wouldn’t you introduce that oblivious, date-raping liar to your parents? Huh, missy?
19. The man you marry can come from a one-night stand; the men you hook up with are, eternally, one-night stands.
Captain Hindsight and Professor Obvious are on this case!
20. The man you marry opens doors for you (literally and figuratively); the men you hook up with walk you to it.
Chicks really hang on to the holding doors thing. I’ve been opening doors for ladies for 27 god damn years and not once has a female slipped me her number because I held a door open. I barely even get thank yous. As for figuratively, are we talking about anal? WHY ARE YOU SO VAGUE?!?
21. The man you marry hears what you have to say; the men you hook up with tell you what you want to hear… (which could be why I’m still single and loving it, no shame).
This is the point in the article where she mentions that she is single and she obviously wants to hear “You go girl!” Is she going to hook up with me now? Is this how it works?
22. The men you hook up with care about their happy endings; the man you marry cares about his happy ending with you.
Okay! I see this one. This is a hand job joke. I get it!
23. The man you marry doesn’t want to change you; the men you hook up with want you to change out of your clothes.
Naive much? The man you marry wants you to change AND he wants you to change out of your clothes.
24. The man you marry doesn’t care if you can’t dance; the men you hook up with dance around the issues.
What issues are there with a one night stand? Whiskey dick?
25. The man you marry appreciates you; the men you hook up with appreciate your gym membership.
The man you marry will appreciate everything you do. The guy you hook up with doesn’t care about a gym membership. He won’t be with you long enough to see any of the results.
26. The man you marry gives you a thoughtful gift on your birthday; the men you hook up with only care about your cake. (Pun is completely intended.)
That was 2/3’s of a pun. P U. #itstinks
27. The man you marry brings out your best self; the men you hook up with “like” your selfies.
Oh god. Was this just added to say the word “selfie?” It’s stupid. I’m moving on. NEXT!
28. The man you marry will apologize after he snaps at you; the men you hook up with will Snapchat you apologies (usually their dicks).
Snapchat is a dangerous mother fucking game not to be taken lightly. That’s all I will say on that one.
29. The man you marry wants to get to know you; the men you hook up with think they know you.
This is a complete mindfuck because every time someone says “You don’t know shit about me. Stop pretending you do.” I want to frog splash them from the Empire State building. If I don’t know anything about you then why the fuck won’t you just tell me something about you? TEACH ME, you detached cunt. Open up. Stop being such an emotional ghost and rubbing it in my face that you are “reserved” and “used to getting hurt.” I won’t fucking hurt you. Sadly, your trust issues are apparent to everyone but you. Meanwhile, your hypocrisy is on par with politicians and religious leaders. Either let me get to know you or do something useful with your fabricating mouth besides spinning a web of perjury. You taste like guilt and future shame. You, sitting there, telling me I know nothing about you and then dodging every question I ask like you are in the fucking Matrix is a paradoxical conundrum full of demon shit. If you are going to contradict all of your convictions in less time it takes to get cocaine out of your system… just tell me that you are a fake fucking trendy scene kid. I do not care. I liked you for you. Just be honest. If not with me, then with yourself. Stop acting like such a soldier. Love isn’t a battlefield if you don’t make it one. The less people you let inside of your walls will increase the pain that will eventually happen when those people hurt you. And they WILL hurt you. Everyone seems to hurt you because after the same situation 100 times, it still hasn’t been enough pain for you to look inward and choke on your own twisted morality. Jesus fucking Christ, you arrogant bitch. You are everything you hate. I have seen a million of you and will see a million more by the time I’m done with this God forsaken planet of pig-cretins.
Whoa. Sorry about that. I just can’t stand that line. I’ll post a picture of some cute animals at the end to make up for that.
30. The man you marry carries your bags; the men you hook up with carry your baggage.
Making your husband carry your bag should be an act punishable by genital mutilation. Do you know how badly he gets made fun of for that? C’mon, ladies.
Alright that took a lot out of me. I really wasn’t expecting it but I ran with it. Take note, fellas. This is how women think.