(Editor’s Note: With the success of Mike Keegan’s post reviewing e-Harmony, I reached out to some other comics and asked them to write about what they know. My friend Adam Parsons had children at an early age and then had to rejoin the dating world. With his unique situation, he shared his experience with O:L. So once again, sit back and take in a different writer for a change. Of course, I will be chiming in from time to time so enjoy!)
There are only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your wife.
Okay, so maybe this quote wasn’t the best way to open up an article about dating. Certainly not one about dating and having children but I feel as if it should be shared so there it is. Mr. Murray (Editor’s Note: Mr. Murray or Hughybear if you nasty) has asked me to assist him with his website about the tales of dating whilst having offspring and I happily obliged. Mostly because I’m aware that if I didn’t write anything, he would write mean things about me on Twitter. So, here it goes…
Before I had gotten into comedy…before I had a real job or a car or anything of value really, I had a high school relationship. (Editor’s Note: Quit braggin’) A relationship I never thought would last forever (spoiler alert: I was correct). But, about a year had passed and I had graduated from Division Avenue High School. I learned that my life was about to change… I’m gonna be someone’s father. Whoa. After the shock, the confusion, the fear, anger, bewilderment & overall anxiety, it finally hit me. The 18 year-old who enjoyed WWE and punk rock is going to have to grow up in less than 9 months. And, I did. For the most part. I still talk about the Little Mermaid on stage and watch WWE and listen to punk rock.
Fast forward a few years and a second child later, the high school relationship I never thought would last (and subsequently, never thought would end either) hit a wall. Whoa again. Is this how life is supposed to play out? Yes, apparently. My ex decided that my services were no longer required. I received my walking papers. In actuality, they were actually just child support requirements. So, then I was 25 years-old. The age where lads and lasses are usually out at bars or clubs drinking until the sun comes up while making poor decisions. (Editor’s Note: Ah. Those were the days… *shivers, laughs and then cries*) However, I was then single for the first time in over 7 years and the shock, the confusion, the fear, anger and bewilderment are back all over again.
I was reluctant to try online dating at first. “Plan A” was to try meeting women at the local Long Island bar scene. I was met with little to no luck. And little to no vagina. It’s funny, because as a comic, I love having dozens or hundreds in the crowd while talking about the most absurd things that my brain can conjure up but then I get as nervous as Justin Bieber in the jailhouse shower when it comes to approaching a girl. However, my failures can get hilariously awkward. It’s like a Michael Cera reality show.
When the bars didn’t work out and dating seemed hopeless, I did what every normal person (read as: psycho) does. I gave out all of my personal information to a website. Maybe some machine can do the heavy lifting and bring the women folk to me? Plenty Of Fish is the butt of a lot of (read as: every comedian’s) jokes but I gave it a shot anyway. To say it was a complete train wreck would be a lie. I did get a free 32GB iPod Touch out of one relationship.
Ultimately, having two kids or other types of incompatibility issues, every relationship that I started was brought to a screeching halt. The fear of my past was preventing me from meeting a decent person in the present, let alone an amazing one. It totally ruined any future sex. My next move was to try a different approach…
That move was switching to Match.com early in 2012 to see if a “paid site” was any different from the pathetic free site of POF. Perhaps, I’d meet someone who would be a little more understanding about the baggage I travel with. My instincts, for once, were correct.
Around two years ago, I met my current girlfriend on Match. I am happy to say that she was the one I was looking for. She is great with the two rascals and she has a child of her own. She told me that she also struggled to find someone who could accept the fact that she already had a child. I think that showed that it wasn’t just me and my issues with the single parent dating life. There are vast numbers of single parents out there who feel that they will never find true love again. Well shit, lets not be naive. They might not find true love for the first time, let alone a second. It’s not easy finding someone special. Add stipulations and baggage to the deal and it’s next to impossible. Hugh makes a living on writing about this stupid topic, so you know if people are reading his sociopathic ramblings then something is off.
Well, in life, nothing is easy. Except for the Plenty Of Fish women. They are easy. Eventually, having this “problem” I was facing turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It proved to be the key in finding the one I was supposed to be with. I’m 100% sure that I would not have met my girlfriend if our past decisions hadn’t brought us to each other. The fact that we had lived two blocks away from each other obviously meant nothing. Getting back into the dating scene after being in a long-term relationship and having children was a life-changing event that began with shock, confusion, fear, anger and bewilderment that has resulted in the best happiness that money could buy.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Adam for the article. If you would like to contribute to the site, please email Logic1147@gmail.com.)