My first friend in comedy Anthony DiDomenico sent me this article on Single Girl Problems which I wasn’t aware existed. What problems could a single girl have? “Like, OMG this dude is offering to buy me another drink. What a creep. He even said ‘Hey, I’m Hugh.’ Gross!” That’s the type of stuff that I imagine happening to a single girl. It is also a conversation I heard a single girl have with a friend about some other poor sap trying to buy her a drink. I was the “removed” from the train because making girls cry is frowned upon on the LIRR.
The single girl is an anomaly. She is jealous and bitter of her married friends yet she is constantly swearing off men only to get drunk and rub up against the first pair of True Religion jeans they spy at the Slothy Saloon. They are fickle and there is no end to their complaining. You just have to suffer through it until they are ready to settle down and make themselves happy. Or you make them happy. Whatever comes first.
This “Elite Daily” website seems to be full of girl power. I assume it is written by the Spice Girls. This writer chooses to be single in her twenties. A respectable decision, I guess. Her reasoning is a little off. She doesn’t feel like answering to anyone because this is America. “Land of the free and home of the brave.” That’s cute because I’m a potential partner not your daddy. Unless you want to call me daddy and in that case, I’m totally okay with that. Otherwise, I won’t be bossing anyone around and you sure as hell don’t have to answer to me. I guess that dismantled her argument, but we’ll pretend this is a female world. A land of flawed logic and hypocrisy.
So here are the reasons why she stays single and she feels like the rest of America’s twenty-something females are similar. I’m going to dismiss every single one as an excuse rather than a reason because common sense is actually a thing.
I’d rather stay in then go out: That’s okay, missy. Just because you are single doesn’t mean you have to go out. However, why is this a reason to be single? When you are in a relationship you have to go out? Says who? Like you said, this is America. How come you can’t stay in with somebody?
If I do go out, I’m not remembering a majority of it: With that attitude, you will not find a boyfriend. I know you are choosing to be single but nobody likes a bar sponge. Well, maybe except for Julio the barback that is cleaning up your vomit at 5:20AM. He’ll date you. Also, couples who get shit-faced together stay together.
I don’t want to meet your family: Cool. They don’t want to meet you either.
I definitely don’t want you to meet my family: Cool. I don’t want to meet them either.
I can’t even commit to what I want for lunch: If I had my way it would always be a burrito. Everyday. However, your commitment issues are adorable. Dating doesn’t have to be a commitment. It can be more like wine tasting. You try a little bit of everything before you stick to what you like. Why does life have to be so black and white? You are either in a relationship or single. All or nothing. Seems so…1950’s. No?
I enjoy having the entire bed to myself far too much to share it: Agreed. I don’t want you to sleep over anymore than you want to sleep over. Relationships can happen without sleep overs. We can go our separate ways at the end of the night. I’m okay with this. Or do you think that once you change your Facebook relationship status you have to immediately move in with that person.
I love my best friend more than I can foresee myself loving a potential partner: I think girls take this shit too seriously. In 5 months your best friend will have a boyfriend You guys will only see each other for a glass of wine twice a year. After all of this, you will sit there and bitch to anyone who will listen how your BFF sold you out for a man; meanwhile you are searching for solace in miles of dick. Cut the shit.
I have a low tolerance for bullshit: I don’t understand this one. She has this part in bold and then goes on to talk about “patience, understanding and compromises.” I wouldn’t call those traits bullshit? I would call those character assets and very admirable ones at that. However, I guess her intolerance for patience, understanding and compromise would make any relationship hard.
I’d rather hang out with my guy friends: Naive much? Girls don’t have guy friends. They have people failing at the friendship trick until they can have sex that usually lands them bitter in the friend zone shaking like Michael J. Fox at a Dubstep concert.
I have trust issues: Really? Trust issues? Do you know how you get over trust issues? Trusting people. I know it seems crazy but if you are afraid to fly, you must get on a plane. It is just like some shitty Alanis Morissette irony but it really is the only way to get over them. But honestly, how original. Trust issues? Who doesn’t have trust issues these days? That’s like saying I have “mild depression.”
I have an unhealthy relationship with Netflix: I also have an unhealthy binge watching (a.k.a. Netflix) problem. I have seen every Harry Potter movie consecutively in one day. I’m not sure why this is a reason for her to be single. Why wouldn’t you just find someone to binge with? Isn’t that what dating is about? Finding someone who likes what you like?
My after work schedule doesn’t allow for a relationship: This is where I think she is being a silly goose. “Wake up, go to work, hit the gym, eat dinner, smoke, shower and go to sleep. I’m not really sure where a boyfriend would fit into this rigorous schedule…” That’s her schedule. Some how she finds time for hours upon hours of Netflix, smoking pot and writing for Elite Daily. I’m sure she can find the time to hang out with someone 2-3 times a week. I would say between 9-12 hours a week is pretty healthy of of a relationship and that isn’t much to squeeze in at all.
56 hours to sleep (per week)
40 hours to work
7 hours at the gym
10 hours to eat
7 hours to shower/bathroom
12 hours with boyfriend/girlfriend
That still leaves 36 hours a week of free time. She has no concept of time. You even have enough time for a second job…
Romantic notions make me want to vomit: Do they? Or do romantic notions that are happening to other people make you want to vomit? Don’t be jealous. It will happen to you eventually. I say she is jealous because who does not like a little romanticism once in a while?
I’d rather cuddle a pint of ice cream than a man: Who wouldn’t? She says that ice cream doesn’t judge you? Well…trust me, ice cream judges you. It’s the most judgmental food there is. Have you ever stared at ice cream in the same sweatpants that you have been wearing for 2 weeks? Yeah, both Ben and Jerry will roll their eyes. Any who, I don’t know why this is on the list but whatever. I think she is just being a knucklehead.
I don’t know what I’m worse at: cooking or cleaning: I think she is being sexist about herself here. No one expects you too cook and clean for me? However, I am also not good at these things. I don’t give a shit about my bed being made. We can split on a house cleaner? Why is this stopping you from having a boyfriend? Self-conscious much?
I want a relationship for all of the wrong reasons: Not paying for dinner, taxis and getting birthday presents. There it is. I’m sure you have corrupted tons of “nice” guys this way. And you bitches wonder how I can be so detached at times. This shit makes me want to convert to Sociopathism.
I’m too picky: Who isn’t? Being picky is a good thing. Why rush into something you are going to hate? I would rather be single and search for someone who is perfect for me than give every single girl a wedding ring because she was batting her eye lashes around.