Ladies and Gentleman, Mike Keegan
(Editor’s Note: When I started this website, I wanted participation from the readers. It never happened. So, I started reaching out to my friends and their experiences. I recently had a post about reviewing internet dating websites and I had not checked out eHarmony. My comedy life-partner Mike Keegan decided to review it for me. Here is his experience.)
I recently joined eHarmony after reading Hugh’s blog where he mentioned that eHarmony was one of the only dating websites that he hadn’t had experience with. I figured I would check it out and see what goes on there. I figured I wouldn’t catch as many STD’s since he hasn’t dipped his diseased dick in this fresh pool of females. Yet.
If you are looking to meet the teacher of your dreams, well then eHarmony is the place for you! The handsome, grandfatherly gentleman in all of the commercials fails to tell you that every female on eHarmony is a teacher. Every. Single. One.
(Editor’s Note: Time for the jump. Gotta keep the home page clean.)
The “dark” years
I don’t have a tremendous amount of experience on internet dating sites and I have only tried Plenty of Fish thus far. Much like the ad claims, it is like going fishing but for me, instead of a luxurious fishing trip in the Pacific Northwest, it was more like fishing in a puddle outside of a public restroom. I met quite a few Dogfish (haha see what I did there) (Editor’s Note: I see what he did there) on POF and several females who made shithouse rats appear well-adjusted.
One young lady drove all the way to Long Island from Rockland County (Editor’s Note: a 90 minute drive) to meet me at my friend’s bar. After getting to know each other for a whole 12 minutes…we decided to get a room at the hourly motel across the street. A classy establishment. It looked like a place Hugh would frequent after being up for 6 days on a meth-bender.
Anywho, she proceeded to unveil a script for a role-playing assignment and she wanted me to act out this scenario with her. I reluctantly agreed and there were several occasions where I had deviated from the script due to creative differences. I also messed up my lines. She didn’t give me the right type of motivation for my character. This would infuriate her. It was some of the roughest, craziest sex I have ever had. However, I feared for my life the entire time.
So, with the experience that I had, I was very apprehensive about paying actual money to expose myself to more of this whorish insanity. But I signed up and I must say, it really has not been bad. Not bad at all.
Here is how it works:
Each day, they send you 5-10 people that they match you up with based on the questionnaires and surveys they make you fill out (Note: you cannot search on your own).
The first step is that you send them a “smile” if you are interested. This leads to “Stage 1.” Stage 1 consists of sending the other person 5 questions. It is from a list of pre-written and multiple choice questions that you will choose your favorite 5 that you want your match to answer. Once they answer your questions, they can send their questions to you.
If you want to continue to this person, you move onto the next stage. Stage 2 is sending them a list of “must haves” and “can’t stands.” This is basically a list of features in another person that you must have or can’t stand. Simple enough. You will choose 10 of these and send them to your match. This will let them know what you are looking for. Again, they will reciprocate and send your their lists.
Finally, stage 3 is a list of open-ended questions in which you pick 3 and send them to the other person. They can then answer these questions in their own words. This is the first stage where you actually do some typing. So really, you aren’t wasting your time typing a story to someone who you do not connect with.
After these 3 stages, if you feel like the other person has no intentions of wearing your skin as a cardigan or making you the newest addition to their line of designer testicle earrings, you can send messages to them via eHarmony mail (Editor’s Note: eHarm-mail? Sounds a little masochistic). A helpful feature for obsessive perverts is that the site constantly reminds you that “responding too quickly” or “messaging out of turn” will make you look desperate and will probably turn the other person off (who knew?). It’s like that little gentleman grandfather from the commercial is whispering romantic advice in my ears. What a genius feature!
So, I have been on eHarmony for about 2 weeks and it is actually pretty reliable. The website is very intuitive and I found this out recently. It had matched me with a particularly attractive female from Staten Island. She had 14 pictures on her profile. She was adorable and the thing that caught my eye was that she had a beautiful golden retriever in every single picture. As a dog lover, I was even more attracted to her. She must really love this dog. The last picture was titled “me and my guide dog Sunshine.” …SHE WAS FUCKING BLIND. It only took this super intelligent website 2 weeks to decide: “Fuck this…send him a blind chick.” I just wish I hadn’t sent her all of those sexts because her mother reads the messages to her.
So, in conclusion, eHarmony is a very good website to meet people on. In the couple of weeks that I’ve been on it, I have been on 3 dates with real, normal girls with no C-section scars and their abortion counts are not in the double digits. Hooray! I definitely recommend it and good luck out there fuckers!!
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Mike Keegan for the review. Please check out our combined comedy website. The Get Involved Comedy movement. Also, if you would like to contribute to the site, please contact me at Logic1147@gmail.com)
