The more I write this website, the more people have been coming to me in private for help with their issues. It’s really cool. I wish these people would comment publicly but I do tend to talk about very personal issues and it is completely understandable why people do not want their dirty laundry aired out on the internet.
I think the most peculiar thing is that when I talk about love, most people immediately bring up heart-break. Their mind goes immediately to the pain. Why? Because there is no scar for happiness.
One topic that came up quite frequently is how people tend to build walls to keep people out of their head or heart for fear or shame of being hurt or rejected. I feel like that sentence was a grammar catastrophe but I still like it.
I digress…it is a completely logical thing to build walls after having trouble in past relationships. After you are hurt in the past, you make it harder to be hurt in the future by isolating in the present.
I am a big opponent of wall building because people overdose on walls thus keeping everyone at arm’s length due to fear of what other people had done to them and then prevent future human interaction and connections.
We will talk more about this paradox after the jump.
We all do it, it is natural to try to protect yourself from emotional pain. Emotional pain is a whole different animal compared to physical pain and we try to protect ourselves from the physical pain as well. It makes sense to wall yourself in your emotional isolation chamber after you have been hurt unless you are some sort of masochist. You never want to feel that way again and you will be damn sure that it never happens to you again…by any means necessary.
On the flip side of the coin, what happens when you build these bullshit barriers for people to climb or break down? Well, what happens is people will get sick of trying to get to know you. People will get tired of you trying so very hard to not be emotional or vulnerable around them. People will end up leaving you to sit on your judgement throne in your castle made of fear and resentments and leave you to your own devices. Most likely to be hurt by the next person who comes along, whether it be a friend, family member or potential lover.
The person you are trying to keep out may be the only person who won’t hurt you. And there is the paradox.
Why is this a bad thing? Well, if you want to be forever alone it is not bad. It is not bad at all, actually. However, I will go out on a limb and say that most people who are upset about other people hurting them typically want to make some sort of human connections in one way or another. Then the issue becomes apparent, how can you make connections if you are building barriers to cut people off?
I say that this method doesn’t work. Building barriers actually backfires. They say (and by “they” I mean me) vulnerability is the key to happiness. It’s the people who are constantly throwing themselves out there that are actually the happiest. Of course there will be hurt and emotional pain, but they are also eventually finding the happiness. I like to believe that the world and society is inherently good and not evil. I will never give up on “people” as a whole because I honestly don’t think I can live in a shitty world where people just suck all the time. I just can’t handle that shit. Babies dying, war and cancer. All that nonsense is counter acted by the possibility of magical moments with other people. That is all my perception and some may call me naive but my rose-colored glasses haven’t fogged yet.
I find it ironic that people who do not want to be hurt end up being miserable due to their own actions and isolation. Often they will say things like “How come I can’t meet someone nice?” Well, because you aren’t letting the nice ones close to you because some douche bag from your past cheated on you or whatever. How is it fair that you are judging present and future acquaintances based on completely different people from your past? You aren’t giving them a shot at getting to know you due to your own fear and shame yet you blame them in some sort of fucked up logic generalizing men or women as a whole. “Blame” is nothing more than a way to discharge pain on another person.
How can you ever find the person who is right for you if you aren’t letting anyone get to know the real you?
People who have a strong sense of love believe that they are worthy of love and therefore receive love. They have the courage to be imperfect and that is when they are found attractive. You find the love in their faults and weaknesses, not in their strengths. These people let go of who they think they should be to be who they are because ultimately, what makes you vulnerable makes you lovable.
Most “normal” people try to numb their vulnerability and their weaknesses. Maybe with alcohol, maybe with sex, maybe with food. Who knows what the vice is and who cares? The point is, you can’t pick and choose which emotions you numb. You must take the good with the bad. The beauty with the pain. Otherwise, you will feel nothing and be nobody.
I know when I show vulnerability and love with my whole heart, there is no guarantee; however, when I am hurt or if the sentiment is reciprocated then my soul is letting me know that I am still alive. And remember, only through trial can one persevere.