I have been collecting tons of ideas for posts during my mental staycation, I couldn’t write anything during this hiatus. My mind just wasn’t with me and I don’t like to force things. I figured I would start with something cute that I saw with a tip of my fedora to my friends that are comics. They might enjoy this.
Apparently, eHarmony came out with a list of 15 reasons why a woman should date a comedian. Then comedian Nick Youssef did an awesome job breaking down the list of 15. I’m just going to add my own opinion to other people’s work once again because this is what the internet is all about, no? Sorry, Al Gore.
Article after the jump.
First of all, the list for women in “comedy” is really bad because 90% of them do not do stand up comedy. Most of them would be considered actresses. For example, Women of Comedy. Do not mistake me, I would make passionate love to Emma Stone or Mila Kunis…but imagine them at a comedy club trying to entertain a crowd? I’d rather put out matches on my dick.
Here is a list of 50 of the sexiest guys in comedy, you know, if you ladies are interested. I think this list is bullshit. Mostly because I am not on there. Also there are other reasons that I can’t think of right now but whatever.
Now, let us get to the eHarmony list:
Testimonial: Nick Youssef
1. Comedians Want to Make People Laugh. Get ready to be entertained.
Testimonial: Comedians need constant attention. Get ready to be emotionally exhausted.
HDM4: This is perfect. No addition necessary.
2. Comedians see the humor in the otherwise unfunny stuff of life and can look at the same situation from different perspectives.
Testimonial: He kept blaming the audience for not laughing at his holocaust-rape joke. I said it would be fine and he muttered “nobody gets me,” and left the diner. I had to pay for dinner and a cab home.
HDM4: Holocaust-rape joke? Who is this hack ripping off my stuff? Anyway, comics often think of funny things at inappropriate times. Do you want to know that we can see your aunt’s nipple while she is in her coffin? What about when we talk about you on stage? How about when you find out we are emotionally dead from years of abuse from bookers and audiences?
3. Your Date Will Be the Life of the Party – at the party.
Testimonial: He hated social situations. He always referred to non-comedians as “boring civilians.” Once he decided my birthday party was the perfect place to get way too drunk and test out his holocaust-rape joke.”
HDM4: The life of the party thing is definitely hit or miss. There have been times where I have thought I was being personable and the girl’s guy friends felt challenged. Then it’s a boner contest. Is that a thing? Boner contest? Or did I just have a weird time?
4. At home, however, comedians are often introverted and sensitive. Your steady support will be very welcome.
Testimonial: Even if you’re one of those fixer types your work will be cut out for you. Do yourself a favor and date a musician because they’re at least fun depressives. A comedian’s depression is a bottomless well.
HDM4: By “steady support” they mean “financial support.”
5. Comedians are usually following their dreams. You might be inspired to start following your own.
Testimonial: He found my goals threatening. His dream eventually became my nightmare. I don’t remember who I am anymore.
HDM4: I’m pretty sure all women dream about is a perfect wedding. Is that sexist? Wait. Prove me wrong and I’ll admit it is sexist.
6. Is standup comedian a lucrative job? Not always. But how many people can say they’re doing what they love? That’s very admirable.
Testimonial: We dated for three months and he quit comedy about 37 times. I’ve never seen a person experience so much pain from the simple act of bringing joy to other people’s lives.
HDM4: Pedophiles and rapists also do what they love…
7. Related: no one will accuse you of being a gold digger.
Testimonial: This was true, but being called a “chuckle fucker” didn’t sound much better.
HDM4: If being called a gold digger is an issue, then you probably already know it and are making a conscious decision to dig gold. Comedians definitely aren’t for you.
8. Because of the unstable nature of their careers, comedians appreciate healthy, stable relationships to come home to.
Testimonial: THIS LIST IS A TRAP! THIS LIST IS A TRAP! THIS LIST IS A TRAP!
HDM4: #8 is silly. I think everyone would appreciate a healthy and stable relationship. If I had a 9-5pm job, I wouldn’t want a bi-polar paranoid schizophrenic at home. Now a bi-polar bear, I can deal with.
9. Introverts, rejoice. Date a comedian and you’ll have most weekends to yourself.
Testimonial: You’ll also have weeknights to yourself. And holidays. You’ll also be alone when you’re together because he spends all his free time in his head re-tooling that awful, awful holocaust-rape joke.
HDM4: This is true. I used to drag my girl to the comedy club just to spend time with her. It gives them a chance to be hit on while I am on stage.
10. Comedians share their life stories with strangers every night. They’re good communicators and are willing to be vulnerable with others.
Testimonial: He was only funny onstage and constantly depressed and introverted before and afterwards. I told him he should go to therapy because he’s a terrible communicator when not holding a microphone. He responded with, “You’re wrong and do you mind if use that line onstage?”
HDM4: This is true, for me, at least. I throw my whole life at the crowd and the girl I’m dating. I also have a gift to break down situation to the molecular level so other people can understand them. Some comics use the stage as therapy. Other comics do hack-impressions of Kermit the Frog propositioning George Bush for sex. To each his own.
11. You can visit your date at work- and actually have fun while doing so.
Testimonial: Literally all our dates were at a comedy club. No movies, concerts, nothing. Night after night it was all the same people doing all the same jokes. I don’t know what laughter is anymore.
HDM4: Yeah, this list is probably geared towards “famous” comedians…
12. Your date will introduce you to plenty of interesting characters.
Testimonial: An alarming amount of these comedians are severely depressed or drug addicts or both. And they would hit on me while he was onstage.
HDM4: Yeah, right. Introduce my girlfriend to someone funnier than me? Hell no.
13. Your friend will think your significant other is hilarious. Related: bragging about your date’s newest comedy routine will do him/her good.
Testimonial: I got a lot of “Your boyfriend is quiet and rolls his eyes every time we make jokes. Is he some kind of snob or something?” God was he. He told me once my brain was broken for not liking the original Office. I hope he finds true love with a nice six episode per season British comedy program. And therapy. He needs therapy. Lots of therapy.
HDM4: All of my girlfriend’s friends hated me. I can’t speak to this. One time my girlfriend told her friends that I was “semi-famous” and I got a boner then we both laughed and laughed.
14. Not every comedian exploits his personal life in his act. Most will outline boundaries with you. (Jerry Seinfeld doesn’t diss his wife onstage and he’s done okay for himself).
Testimonial: I asked him not to make fun of me for losing my job. He protested and said “First of all, don’t get in the way of my art, and second I don’t use your name I call you an unemployed she-pile.”
HDM4: What’s the deal with comics not talking about themselves? Am I right, guys? The time of observational comedy is over. People want to hear your story and pain these days. It’s refreshing from the “Am I the only one who takes a shower? I mean, what’s the deal with showering?” bullshit.
15. A common love language for comedians? Words of affirmation. Build up your partner verbally and you’ll likely be the recipient of praise too.
Testimonial: That relationship was the darkest three weeks of my life. This list is the sickest joke of all. I’m going to try my luck on Match.com.
HDM4: So basically, fish for compliments? Got it.
So that’s the list. I thought it was cute so why not add it to my blog. Maybe someone else thinks it is cute and will want to date me? Haha. I’m kidding, yo. I know I’m fucking twisted in the head but then again, so are my readers. We’re like Hitler and Eva Braun, guys! I hope you enjoyed all the times I said “boner” because I found it hilarious.