In the Internet writing world the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The writers who post the content and the anonymous jerks who make fun of the writers. These are their stories.
As you may have seen, I started a little flame war with the Beer and Feminism girl. Things went as planned. I was called a good writer and funny and right. Then something strange happened. Someone sent me a crazy piece of hate mail anonymously. They said awful things about me. A lot of it was deep and dark. I want to know who would do that to me, so I called in the best two detectives that I know.
Captain Cragen: Stabler! Benson! So good to see you. Glad you came out of retirement for this last case. It’s a big one. What we have here is a comedian and a blogger who got anonymously ripped to shreds after one of his nonsensical rants. He has hired us to find out who did it.
(hands over a file)
Detective Stabler: (opens file) Alright, sounds easy enough. Any idea who is behind this? Although, this isn’t really a sex crime case, boss.
Cragen: Well, the rant was long and personal. There were mentions of sexual experience and the writer is a straight male so we have been narrowing it down. Also, there was knowledge of his hometown, so it could be someone from Levittown. Remember… you don’t get to pick the vic, Elliot.
(Stabler passes file to Detective Benson)
Detective Benson: But couldn’t most of the details have been learned through a quick Google search?
Cragen: The comedian doesn’t think so. He thinks that line about Google was just to throw people off of their trail. Meet up with the rest of the crew and see what you can find out.
(Stabler and Benson exit. They walk into the bull pen and see Munch and Fin)
Munch: Well, it looks like the joke is on this comedian.
Fin: I don’t get it. This dude has been ranting on the internet for close to 10 years and never once has received hate mail, let alone one so personal and mean. It doesn’t make sense.
Benson: Do you read his stuff, Fin?
Fin: Don’t look at me, I just know stuff.
Stabler: Well, I think we should start with ex-girlfriends, enemies and sexual encounters of this so-called comedian. Do we have a list made up?
Fin: Yeah, some new guy named Sheldon brought the list of all the possibilities that matches that description.
Benson: Well that doesn’t really narrow it down. Any leads on the email address?
Stabler: I looked into it. I can’t find it anywhere.
Munch: Possibly deleted. My ex-wife pulled the same move a few years back.
Benson: Can we pull up the IP addresses of recent visitors to his blog?
Stabler: Yeah, but this post received a lot of traffic. It would take days to find out who did this and I want to get home and see my kids. Can we establish a motive?
Benson: Well from what I took from the rant is that this person obviously does not like Hugh. They know all his intimate secrets. They are smart, a good writer yet can still be funny.
Munch: Yeah and they read his blog, so that definitely narrows it down. To an audience of about 5.
Stabler: Heh. All I see someone who isn’t in touch with reality and is addicted to drama yet still follows a code of chivalry. They were, after all, sticking up for a female.
Benson: They must also be a liar because the kid’s hair-line is impeccable. Also, I don’t see a beer gut. Look at this picture with the file.
Munch: Yeah, he’s a real hunk alright.
Fin: That picture looks like he’s Pony Boy from “The Outsiders.” Except gayer.
Stabler: This is stupid. Let’s get out to the street.
(Benson and Stabler exit police station and head to Levittown)
Stabler: (gets out of car) Alright, this is the address? The guy lives in a shack full of puppies?
Benson: I always knew comedians and writers were a little off.
Stabler: Yeah. And this guy is both. I guess this does match the description of him. He DOES post a lot of animal pictures on that website.
Benson: (knocks) Hugh, it’s Detectives Benson and Stabler, open up. We need to talk about what happened.
Benson: Alright, sir. We are going to need you to stop acting like a pirate and cooperate with us. Also, enough selfie pictures. This is getting ridiculous.
Stabler: Jesus, do we really have to go through with this?
Benson: Better. Thanks.
Hugh: What can I do for you, guys? I told Captain Cragen everything I knew.
Stabler: Okay, well I am going to need access to your cell phone and passwords to all of your social media accounts so we can crack this case wide open and we all can be happy.
(Hugh makes a list for Stabler, then hands over his cell phone)
Benson: Now, Hugh…who do you think did this?
Hugh: Well, personally I think it was Alyssa, her sister or one of her friends because I just can’t see someone getting berated like that and not striking back. Maybe because I’m an asshole and that is what I would do.
Stabler: Interesting. I do see something that can support that.
Benson: And Alana is Alyssa’s sister, you say? Those are some of the exact words from the rant? She does say she wants to “destroy you” and that would support the “sticking up for Alyssa” vibe we got from the text. You say you don’t have very many friends in common with them and they have never seen you in real life?
Hugh: No, they don’t know anything about me really.
Stabler: Alright, who is this now?
Dr. House: Well, Hugh had also called me and since I am in the “Club for Hughs” I felt like I owed him this favor.
Benson: Why would we need a doctor? We’re police officers. We can handle this.
Stabler: Yeah. Take a hike, you quack.
Dr. House: I resemble those remarks. Now, if you want my feelings, I hope you know I left them in my other pants. All I know is that someone is going to get a boat load of morphine, I just don’t know who yet. And you need a doctor because you need someone smart. If you guys were smart, you wouldn’t be cops. You would be doctors.
(Benson and Stabler get fuming mad)
Dr. House: Now, Detectives, tell me. Is this patient a fan of Hunter S. Thompson?
Stabler: Yeah and so what if he is? Plus, he’s not a patient. He’s a vic.
Dr. House: You cannot rush science. Does this patient have any mental illnesses? You know, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, anxiety or…
Benson: …Depression. It says it right here on the file. Clinical depression.
Dr. House: And if I remember correctly this man has been in “recovery” for that silly thing called addiction? What, like 70-something days now?
Stabler: Correct, where are you going with all of this?
Dr. House: Well, if you would stop interrupting me you will find out. This is an obvious case of OKWS or Beerabbitosis. He even likes Game of Thrones and takes Tyrion Lannister’s words as law, am I correct?
Benson: OKWS? Never heard of it.
Dr. House: It’s called Opposite of Kanye West Syndrome. See, Hugh is a big fan of Hunter S. Thompson and what sticks out from Thompson’s writing? Why, it’s the self loathing, self honesty and self-reflection. We know that Hugh has suffered from depression and body image issues since he was in Middle School, correct? You also say that Hugh has been consciously trying to change his life for the better using a program that requires you to make amends.
Benson: Oh my God. We missed the trail of bread crumbs he left for us. Look at the text right under Alana’s message… “You will never destroy me as much as I have destroyed myself.”
Dr. House: People who suffer from Beerabbitosis often like to strike first. They like to exhaust the arsenal of the person they are feuding with. Like Eminem in 8 Mile during that last battle rap scene. Rather than talk about how awesome Hugh is, like Kanye West always does, Hugh took a completely different route as a writer and bashed himself in a completely unbiased, self-awareness. He did just write a big post on Chivalry, didn’t he?
Stabler: How did you know all of this?
Dr. House: To quote your black detective, “I just know stuff.” Well, if you would have looked a little closer at the text messages of Hugh, maybe you would have realized.
(Stabler and Benson look through text messages)
Stabler: This is madness. I’m starting to think you are involved.
Dr. House: No, this is Sparta. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But, there lies your problem. You are trying to think again. Keep looking.
Dr. House: Now it would seem, Hugh even won himself free dinner and drinks from Miss Alyssa. How noble of him. He did say she was cute…Where is Hugh?
(Stabler and Benson look over to where Hugh was sitting. He is gone.)
Dr. House: I knew you would be. Tyrion Lannister of Game of Thrones once said to Jon Snow…”Let them see that their words can cut you and you will never be free of their mockery. If they want to give you a name, take it. Make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.” or “Once you have accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.” And lastly “Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.”
Stabler: It all makes so much sense now. The over doing it with commas, the phrase “No one is safe from the vitriol. Not even himself” from the bio. Right down to the insults. They are almost identical. Well, I think we can all agree on one thing. Everyone thinks Hugh is a fucking psychopath. Where will you go now, Dr. House?
Dr. House: I’m off to tell a 9-year-old girl she is going to die.