Operation: Love

God, I love corgis.

Alright, the vitriol is coming out. My guns are cocked and loaded because THIS FUCKING ARTICLE came across my Facebook news feed. I feel like I could shoot force lightning from my finger tips they are moving so fast. This article is full of bullshit and man-hating written vomit that I’m gagging over the cat-hair. Because this author must have 20 cats, you see. The author is a special kind of autistic. I had 3 posts all typed up on the same topic for a trilogy of not understanding the other species but this made me feel like I was at a feminist rally for women with missing chromosomes.

Follow me after the jump and we will start a firefight.

Like a double edge sword with no handle, this bitch can’t get a grip.

First off, the blog uses 5 .gif files. 4 of which are men. 1 is Drake who is a sissy. The second is Ron Burgundy, notorious misogynist. The third is Steve Buscemi, that’s a wash. The fourth? None other than Don Draper. The biggest womanizer on the planet. The irony of her choices is mind-numbing.

Alright, on to her writing. It is fucking painful to get through. Her quirky sense of humor is pathetic. There is humble-bragging and dick jokes. It’s like a hack playground full of vaginal bleeding and mascara.

She goes on to generalize men as a whole by calling them “boys” who still get taken care of by their mother. As a man who lives at home with his parents at 27, let me say FUCK YOU. Even when I was working like a dog, I couldn’t afford my own place. I’d love to see how you are living. I’m guessing a run-down studio apartment in Williamsburg, NY right next to a bar that sells Mexican food and has obscure beers on tap. There are most likely mold and silverfish on your walls next to a Banksy poster. The place reeks like ethnic food and cat litter. Excuse me while I live in a clean house and save some money for a while, hipster trash bag.

Next up, she quotes a movie in a blog. You know who else does that? Frat boys that tried to date rape you in undergrad. This quote is to back up “a study” that was done that says men mature 11 years slower than females. I’m sorry, is there a link you could provide me with that says this study was actually done? You didn’t just make that up to support your stupid feelings, did you? Do you really think someone would do that? Go on the internet and tell lies to people?

That’s right, Ron.

I understand that men are usually not as emotionally in tune as females are. Not every guy is an excellent and sensitive empath like myself, but saying that men are mentally more immature by 11 years is riCOCKulous. She gave the example of a 23-year-old man being as mentally mature as an 11-year-old. At 23 years old, I had a bachelor’s degree. I was an apprentice engineer after I had just finished my internship for a law firm. I also started stand up comedy that year and had been writing for 2-3 very successful sports blogs. I was the least successful person of my 23-year-old friends at that time…

TAKE THAT 11 YEAR OLDS!

Maybe a little random, but I felt it was right o be put here.

She then goes on to tell women to stop getting upset over men because of the immaturity level. By her theory, I am at the mental age of a 16-year-old. She also says that men are (probably) just learning about the clitoris. Bitch, please. At 16 ,I was 3 years into my sex career. I could make her OD of dick when I was 16. Now? My dick might kill her.

It’s clear that her sexual experiences were awful. She then talks about a guy who didn’t understand how birth control worked. I agree with her. That’s about 100 pounds of brain damage, to quote Micky from “Rocky”. If you’re going to quote movies, quote a classic. Not something every 20-something year old named Chad or Lance with a golf shirt is saying after keg stands.

She then uses a term that makes me want to chew on a train track. “Reverse sexism.” WHAT THE FUCK IS REVERSE SEXISM? Oh, it doesn’t exist. That’s right. Sexism is defined as: Prejudice or discrimination based on a person’s sex. Is reverse sexism supposed to be giving someone lots of money and kisses because of their sex? I think she was trying to say “when males experience sexism.” Remember when I said she was a special type of autist? Well, this is it. Sexism swings both ways, sweetie. It doesn’t become “reverse” when males experience it. It is still simply sexism. If black people are racist to whites it isn’t “Reverse racism” it is just plain old racism.

YEP

In the next paragraph she turns into “Vlad the Implyer.” She starts off by generalizing again. She says that older people are more “financially secure” (which she mentions first, of course. coughcoughMONEYGRUBBINGWHOREcoughcough), “emotionally mature” and has had extra years of sexual experience…

Okay, first of all I know plenty of older people (guys and girls) with stone hearts and are about as stable as demineralized water. You can age and not mature. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. People aren’t wines, dummy. You don’t naturally get better with age.

Next up was the sex. Again, just because a person is older does not mean they are savvy. The extra years mean nothing. The extra years could have been full of loneliness and jerking off or on the flip side of the coin, they could have been having bad sex the whole time and not knowing. To take it even further, they could have had a long relationship with a person who was into some freaky shit and developed an insane fetish that he wants you take part in.

Hey lady, do you want to be peed on? I DIDN’T THINK SO.

I also despise how she speaks of emotional maturity from men and then a few short sentences later she talks about how she doesn’t want to baby, coddle, reassure or calm someone down. So, from what I gather, you are allowed to use this guy as an emotional dumping ground but your ears are dammed up better than the Angry Beavers’ house? How is that fair? Or better yet, how is that mature?

A relationship is give and take. If you don’t want to baby, coddle or calm someone down…why the fuck should they reciprocate?

I’m getting sad.

Oh, and you know how I mentioned that she was a money grubbing whore and you probably thought I crossed a line? Well, this is the point where she mentions “Tom Ford” and posts a picture of Don Draper. So, yeah. I wasn’t being hyperbolic. Just show this chick a wad of $100 bills and talk about some obscure Robert Downey Jr movie and her clothes will turn into liquid.

Next up, she tells her readers to “hold out for sexy hockey players that look like they’ve just stepped off the pages of Swedish GQ.” That’s solid. So your blog is basically canceling mine out. You talk about being a gold digger and being superficial while I’m trying to get my readers to shoot for the stars and fall in love. Thanks for this.

NO! YOU KNOW WHAT?

Do you think I’m being too rough on her after reading that? Yes? Okay, I’ll continue.

In the next breath she tells her readers to not stay single yet don’t swear off men. She says find an older sugar-daddy who will buy you red wine and filet mignon. She says do that or casually date “mediocre guys.”

Yep. That’s the end. Her sage wisdom was for you to have some guy pay for everything because why? You’re a weak female who can’t support yourself. I thought it was feminism when really it’s quite the opposite. There is nothing empowering about this post at all.

Anyway, She closes with that horrific shit sandwiched with a .gif from Portlandia or something that doesn’t even make sense. There was some talk about lesbians and all that jazz. I don’t understand it.

Now, let me wrap this up…

I just find that I am so dejected that girls actually think like this. She is a super cute emo-looking girl. She has a gorgeous smile and a nose ring. Short hair. I love her look. I say that to say this, I would have never thought twice about how much of an emotional terrorist and self-destructive cuntrag she is. I cannot see all of that emotional insecurity through her twitter pictures. I would have just went up to her and asked her on a date and this is what would probably happen:

I would drive all the way to her, pick her up, open doors for her and compliment her. I would let her talk about herself and how she goes to film school or F.I.T. or some bullshit. Then I would tell her to order whatever she wants. She would order a $70 Surf and Turf with a bottle of Santa Margherita plus desert. I would then hold her hand and give her my jacket when she was cold. Then we would kiss at some point and I would think that everything is going smooth. I wouldn’t pressure her for sex, because why rush? There’s always tomorrow.

Then she would never call me back after she was full and drunk. I would try to get in contact with her a few times. Maybe send an email finally. After 2 weeks of her calling me creepy to her friends and bashing me on Facebook, later I would see her with a 40 year old investment banker or an amateur hockey player. Because in reality it’s all about what kind of car you drive or how much money you have in your pocket. I would still be broke from our date and then I would cry like a little girl and swear off relationships. Then I would blacken my heart and go back to drinking and womanizing. During that period, I would hurt another 10-20 women and develop an awful reputation. Those 10-20 women will then hurt 20-40 guys and so on and so forth. Do you see the chain reaction? It has to stop somewhere and today is as good of day as any…

Boom. Roasted.