I’ve had a few conversations with friends about relationships over the last few days and it’s reminded me about my blog and how much I miss writing about them. I know it’s stupid but this is the self titled post, I like when bands do that. So there. This is what we are all about here. And by we, I mean me. And by here, I mean this website. Oh, you already knew? Now I feel silly. We’re talking about love, people.
I think relationships are the most interesting thing on the planet. They are one of the most important parts of a person’s life, they control a lot of the thought patterns that people tend to use and sometimes people let these self-fulfilling prophecies rule their lives. A self-fulfilling prophecy is, for example, when someone says “I’m going to die alone.” Well, of course you are. Who wants to date someone that thinks that? However, if you never said that you were going to die alone to just about every ear that would listen then maybe you would find someone that you could die next to? Isn’t that what you wanted? It sounds creepy when you put it like that..
Follow me to the jump:
I had a cool conversation with a female comic about love. She told me that “Love is just a marketing tool and sex is a currency.” I was awfully sad that a person even thinks like that. Is that because I am a low-level empath? Maybe. Or it could be because my vagina is just gushing right now. Who knows. However, I made her think on it because I said that “Life wouldn’t be tolerable without love.” Then I watched a Disney princess movie.
Honestly. I really don’t think I could cope with all of the horrific bullshit that happens on a daily basis if there wasn’t something to hope for. Faith and love are the key components to keeping me sane. A belief that there is something better out there. The belief that people can change if they want to. That separates us from the animals. A tiger may not be able to change his stripes, but a human can stop being a jerk. For realsies. I have heard that it’s not the strongest who survive but those who are the most receptive to change. Ponder that, internet.
The key seems to be that one needs to be vulnerable. A vulnerability allows someone or something to come in and fill that void with their essence. Whether it’s God or “the universe” or Yoda or a spouse. Everyone is so focused on being strong that they forget that through faith and love you are completed. You aren’t whole without it. How could half of a house stand? You need to be equal parts loving, faithful, strong and focused. Otherwise, that house will fall.
Now is the tough part:“Hey scumbag, if you are so knowledgable than why the fuck are you single?”
At this point, I know where I stand in life. I know what I have to offer a woman which is next to nothing. Maybe I can deliver a cheap laugh or give some solid advice. Other than that, I’m a dead battery. I understand this. I also know that two dead batteries can’t start a car. Lately, I have been so self conscious about my problems that I am completely staying away from people as to not drag them down into my downward spiral of negative emotions and debt. At this point, I literally have more issues than Playboy.
I love some people so much that I want nothing to do with them. I feel like some people are better off without my character defects and thus I stopped returning their messages. They were/are good people that do not need a person that disappears for months at a clip. I’m nothing if not inconsistent. I’m also tired of hurting people. I’d rather suffer through loneliness than hurt another person.
I have also had a
girl woman that has been renting A LOT of space in my head these last 8 weeks. She is everything I would want in a female companion. I call her a woman, though she is younger than I, because she is a mother. I have spoken to this woman 3-4 times in my life and things were going smooth. Then I abruptly gave her my number and told her to contact me. It was definitely too soon for that to happen and I knew that. I made a conscious decision to feel her out because I’m full of self-sabotaging. I blew up my own spot. Why? Because she doesn’t deserve me and in no way was that me complimenting myself. She doesn’t deserve someone who is an emotional wrecking ball or a whirlwind of destructive behaviors.
Is this good behavior? No. Is this isolating? Yes. Is this me denying someone the right to choose if they want to have me in their life? Yes. So there’s tons wrong with my decision making process but I think everyone who knows me knows that I’m a role model for fucked-up logic and twisted rationale. Man, my adjectives are on point today.
The last part of this, how do we fix it? The only way I can prove my worth to other people is by fixing myself. I know, I shouldn’t care what other people think. However, I am a single guy of 27 years. I would like to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. The dating scene is not my style any longer. And thus, I must care what people think about me because why is someone going to go out with someonewho they think is a zero? Therefor, I must help myself which in turn would change the opinions of others. There is no other way to do this. I can’t convince random people and strangers that I’m normal. A front can only last so long. I must change for the better so people will notice and in turn I will be happy.