Dating has become an insufferable thing in the age of technology. In our dad’s time you would just have to take a pin off of your letterman jacket and pluck that shit on some girl’s puppy skirt and she was yours. Forever. You went to prom, got her pregnant and married. No college. Life was simpler back then, and trust me…I have a degree in History.
The game became progressively easier and then became much harder through technology. I remember chatting with bitches on AOL all day and I would keep different avenues open and eventually all that hard work and chatting would pay off and I would get a wondrous week of hooking up with 2-3 different girls who all seem to come around at the same time for some reason? Hell, Myspace was even like a swinger’s playground for a while. Then something evil happened…
Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook. Immediately, women were overwhelmed with the accessibility of their T&A on the internet. People were creating fake emails to get access to different servers to get in contact with certain females. To put it plainly, it was “The Dawn of the Creeper.”
Internet dating and Facebook have destroyed “the approach” which is the nickname that I’ve given the first few seconds when walking up to a girl for the first time. The place or the situation does not matter at all. The first time you see this person (without prior agreement to meeting) and you attempt communication, this is considered the approach.
Think about how many times dudes have tried to break the ice using a Facebook message alongs the lines of “Hey yo, I was peeping your pics from last summer baby girl. I also really dig that sexy bumblebee costume from Halloween. Let’s get coffee sometime?” Now do you see? I can tell you from extensive research and no hyperbole that it’s been literally MILLIONS of times. Now after billions and trillions of these messages without exaggeration at all, girls get a bad taste in their mouth from dudes. Just dudes in general. Then they go out for a night on the town to vag-out or whatever packs of XX chromosomed-humans do, and suddenly they are approached by some dude in a stripy button-down shirt. What’s their first reaction? “This feels eerily similar to when some other weirdo sent me a Facebook message 6 minutes ago. I think I’ll tell this random stranger that I’m taken or lesbian.” The problem lies in the fact that women are almost numb to being hit on and when they go out, they aren’t looking to even meet anyone. They just want to be with some friends and have some drinks at that point. You will have to restore their faith in human beings to even garnish their attention. Not a simple feat, young padawan. But adventure, excitement…a jedi craves not these things.
How are you supposed to break a stereotype, look dapper and be smooth all in the first 5 seconds of conversation? To make matters worse, this is the Fuck, Marry or Kill stage of the conversation…The key is knowing you can’t accomplish all of that. It’s most likely physically impossible. That’s why you shouldn’t stress out about situations that you can’t even control. Some people can pull this off but sometimes being too awesome is intimidating. If you can actually conquer that feat, sometimes it’s better to downplay how awesome you are. Trust me. I’ve been arrested by people who thought I should be in movies. That’s how fucking awesome I am. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. George Kirk’s 12 minutes as Captain of the USS Kelvin. My gut instinct says just be as awesome as you can, alright? But if you can’t be awesome at all, then what?
So the question arises…What CAN you do on the approach? I’m a big proponent of throwing yourself out there as quickly as possible. “GASP! But Hughbear!” One might say, “Why would I do such a thing? Then I risk being hurt by this awful female and her horrible pack of hyena-like fat friends!” Listen up, friends. The first thing is first. What? I don’t know. Roll with me, people. I think the more you throw yourself out there, the more numb (number?) you will become. Look at that, I was a poet and I didn’t even know it. Secondly, when you toss your personality out there in the early stages of conversation you will be rewarded with the fact that you will either be accepted or rejected early in the conversation. Why is this a good thing? Time, friends. You won’t be wasting your god damned time. For me, time is money and I hate wasting money. I’m starting to confuse myself. Let’s move on before I lose my wallet. What?!
As for internet dating…ugh. I just fucking hate it. It’s just so BORING. This is for the introverted anti-socials who will alway be hit or miss in just about everything they do. I would just say what you honestly think that could get the other person’s attention because the first conversation is supposed to spark which will lead to a small date which will lead to a larger date and so on and so forth. Aren’t run-on sentences fun? There are many tests you will need to pass to be in a successful internet dating relationship. You will never find the princess in the first level, Mario. By the way…does anyone else get anxiety from how much they say the word “just?”
How can we resolve this issue?
I would say, let us start with the ladies. How about we keep Facebook classy? No more bikini and halloween shots. It will deter the creeps, you don’t wave a crack pipe in front of a drug addict’s face and you don’t post a picture of you holding your boobies while tanning to a buddy list (is that term still being used?) full of perverts. Also, from now on, block every person who sends you a private message. The system will resolve itself in a matter of weeks. You will probably also find out how bored you are not checking your stupid phone every 4 minutes only to look up at your friends and be like “Oh. My. God. This guy won’t leave me alone. He keeps commenting how hot I am on every picture. YUCK!”
As for the Gentlemen…AND I DO USE THAT TERM LOOSELY! LOL!!! You need to stop the internet creeping. I know it is convenient and you’re probably bored at work or drunk at 3AM but fucking stop it. You hear me? Stop it. Get back into the real world and go up to a woman and stick her with a metal object and claim her as property like real men used to. Use a blunt object if need be. Get your testosterone up, pansy-jerks. Take a man class (preferably one taught by Brian Callen) and stop being scared of girls who are naturally brought up to be scared of us. Sooner or later no one will ever speak to anyone. Does that makes sense? If not, I don’t care. Google pictures of this man below and you can learn to man-up.