In my last post I brought up a point that inspired this post. That point was that breaking up is half of the relationship. Obviously not everyone we meet we will fall madly in love with and marry. In fact, more often than not the relationship we are trying to get into will crash and burn in a fantastic fashion.
I’m sorry if that’s a tad cynical but think about it. You can date say, 100 people (for easy math) but you are supposed to only get married once. Now let’s say that fails and you try again for a second marriage then that fails too. Are you going to get married a third time? Probably not, but let’s say you do and then you die of being a jerk. That’s a 100:3 ratio. Did I prove my point with math? It’s like I’m a wizard. That, um, does math.
When I started this post I wasn’t sure on if I wanted to just talk break ups or list how to tell one is about to come crashing down in a house of cards fashion. I settled on a little of both. I’ll probably go into each topic in more detail in the future, but for now let’s just open up the topic for discussion. Some people might start getting butt-hurt. “My relationship is great, bro! My girl texts me twice a week!” You know, denial-type shit like that.
The first (and should be only) thing I am going to say is that if you are in doubt, your relationship is already broken. I once hit it off with this gorgeous girl at a party. We were drunk with vast amounts of PDA. She was quick to give me her cell phone number. Then in the next few weeks she seemed distant and I felt like I was chasing her. Wanna know a secret? Because she fucking was and I fucking was. It’s that simple. If someone likes you, you will be aware of it. Even a person playing hard to get will drop numerous hints that they are playing hard to get. This girl was playing impossible to get and I was just blown away by how pretty/awesome/cool/sexy she was, naming our future children and carving her name in my chest. I wasn’t paying attention to the obvious “How come she responds with one word answers every six text messages?”
In that scenario, we both were at fault. Me for being an old school romantic who doesn’t just “kiss” anyone. I really liked her but I had developed feelings too quickly based off of drunken impulse. And her for being a harlot who hates chivalrous and handsome men.
Scenario #2. I went out with this girl to dinner and a movie. I wasn’t THAT interested in her but I knew she had a huge crush on me in the past. We went out, I had a mediocre time and I still wasn’t too interested until the last possible moment of the date. We kissed and to me it was magical. At that moment, I was sold. However, something weird happened. It’s like all her feelings were transferred through her lips, to mine. I was left smitten and she was left feeling nothing. In the next few weeks I tried to get a second date to no avail until finally she said there was no “spark” when we kissed. To me, that was hilarious because 86% of the time I am nothing but a spark…better yet a fire to women. I wanted to know the real reason and pursued it harder, again to no avail. Then finally, I gave up.
In that scenario, what went wrong? Again, I developed feelings quickly and her past feelings were gone before the date even started (maybe she held resentments?). However, we were both at fault. Me, for not taking the opportunity the first time when she actually liked me. You know, doing too little too late? And, her for being a harlot who hates chivalrous and handsome men.
It’s that simple, folks. If they want to be with you, they will be with you. In a healthy and serious relationship you won’t hear something like “Oh hey, I would love to hang out but it’s my cousin’s 25th birthday party and I promised I would go.” Or something like “Oh tonight is girl’s night! What? We drink every Arbor Day? It’s a tradition.” You know what you do hear? “Yes. Yes, I would like to sit on your couch and watch TV while our friends are out celebrating Mexican Independence for zero reason.”
You know that friend that you miss a lot because he’s “pussy whipped?” Well, you know what is actually happening? He likes a girl and a girl likes him. Then they talk every day and have great conversations. Then when it’s time to make plans, they say “Hey, do you want to go out with our dumb friends or stay home and get hammered for cheap than have drunken couch sex?” Now tell me, Mr. Bro Namath…is that pussy whipped or a smart man?
Moving right along, I’ve stated this on the blog like a million times but here it is again, I’ve never had a faithful girlfriend so I am nowhere near an expert on being broken up with. Technically, I’m always the one to break up with the girl due to actions that I couldn’t handle. This is something I mentioned in the last post; don’t cheat on someone when you can just be an adult and say “Hey, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” Even if it is a text message, which is considered to be a coward move, it’s still better than cheating. Just end it and then commence your tomfoolery or whorebaggishness.
However, the thing that does make me an authority on breaking up is that I always see the signs. They always open up my eyes. Yes, I was an Ace of Base listener. You can always tell when a person is trying to be sneaky. After the first realization of them dropping shitty excuses to not hang out, you can look toward their cell phone which will never stop ringing. The thing that I have realized about being in a well-functioning relationship is that the phone will NOT ring when you are happy. It’s like a raven in Game of Thrones. Dark wings, dark words. There never will be a guy who is just a friend or co-worker that you have never met before if she is happy. Her friends won’t even be hitting her up if she is happy. If it’s a dude, his friends never hit him up anyway, so nothing will change there. Also, if people aren’t being sneaky they will always answer the “Who’s that?” question very calmly and will never get defensive. Otherwise the sneaky lion-cheetah will feel caged and go on the offensive and a fight will erupt over how clingy/suspicious/nosey you are.
That’s one argument that could go on forever. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, ask to see your boyfriend or girlfriend’s private messages on Facebook. Some people will have nothing to hide and by that, I mean they delete every single message. Their phone’s text messages will be empty. They will even offer it with little to no struggle and that’s because they have a valid excuse in the chamber. It will be something like “I don’t like the clutter.” If they are hiding something they will immediately ask “Why?” followed by “You don’t trust me?” Now the conversation just morphed from a harmless curiosity of yours to an argument about your trust issues. You can go back and forth with that for hours. Who wins? Why do you need to see someone’s private messages? That’s super creepy. On the other side of the argument, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, SLUTBAG?!?
Another way to tell if your relationship is shit will be the constant flow of petty arguments. You know what couples will say to defend themselves? “Fighting is healthy.” Yeah. Arguing and standing up for what you believe in is absolutely healthy. It is. You know what’s not healthy? Name calling. Crying. Hitting. Storming off mid conversation. Yelling. Slamming doors. It will all be over meaningless garbage anyway. Just listen to any comedian talk about relationships and you will hear examples of fights that never should have been because the relationship shouldn’t exist.
Usually an argument will go something like this:
Her: “Hey babe. So, I was thinking we could go see that movie “Loving Lovers Loving Love” it’s based off of some Nicholas Sparks story.”
Him: “I don’t know babe, I wanted to see “Super Hero Secret Agents v. Space Alien Cowboy Dinosaurs.”
Her: “You never do anything I like. Just like when I wanted to get Asian Fusion for lunch but you wanted to go see a Pantera concert.”
Him: “Well you haven’t given me a blow job in months!”
Her: “You’re becoming your father, do you know that?” *Cries*
Him: “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF OTHER THAN ANGER! STOP YELLING AT ME!”
Her: *yells* “I’M NOT YELLING!”
Him: “You’re such a whore. I bet Ronnie from your Poly-Sci class would love this. Go run to him and he can take you to that movie, Gay Faggots Buttfucking Other Faggots.”
Her: “Well, I’m leaving because I’m right and I don’t stay in conversations where people offer a different opinion! Especially with your trust issues from all your ready made whores.”
Him: “Fine, get out of my car. Your sister is hotter.”
Her: *punches him in the face* “What are you gonna do? Hit me? Go ahead! Hit me!”
Him: *grabs her hands* “Stop. Let’s talk about this”
Her: “Stop hitting me!”
Him: “This is insane, come on baby kitten. Let’s just make up.” (trying to convince girl for make up sex)
Her: *gives in because he used her favorite pet name.*
That is not a healthy fight, but that is exactly what a doomed couple will try to tell you is normal. Notice how it changed from the movies and not doing what the other wanted to do and morphed into resentments of past issues and other people factoring in. This 2 person relationship made a cluster fuck of emotions and incomprehensible sentences, dragging other people down like a quicksand made of spite and anger. It’s a communication issue, really. The sad part is that this couple will repeat that conversation with slight variation every few weeks. The timing will vary based on her hormone levels and his alcohol intake, but it will definitely happen again.
Alright, now this post is getting long. I’ll close with a nice picture on how to tell if someone is interested or not. Take an honest look at your relationship with your crush, spouse or significant other. Look at the signs and body language. If it isn’t meant to be, stop wasting your time and get back out there while there is still time.