Lately, I have been getting in arguments over the style of men with other men. Style is like an art, it will always be subjective. No two people will have the same style unless one of them is a damn dirty poser. By the way, posers don’t get girls to notice them. Girls are too busy noticing innovators and engineers of awesome. Even if most people think your style is gross, you will always get props on being original. Remember that.
I even said it once in one of my first posts that you can’t go wrong with whatever style you choose to adopt as your own. As long as you rock that style with confidence, some girl somewhere will think that’s sexy. Even if you are a smelly jerk, there will be a noseless female looking at you with a sexy smile. There is a fetish for everything, ladies and germs. More after the jump.
Say what you will against that dude Mackelmore and his dumb little “Thrift Shop” song but it coincides with my point. He is wearing your Grandpappy’s clothes and paying basically zero money for them and was so confident in his style, he made millions of dollars off of what I personally think is a stupid idea/song. You have to admit that was solid accounting. The net profit is definitely way more than Lloyd Banks’ “Beamer Benz and Bentley”
I know I am still repeating myself from my previous post on style but even those guidos and hipsters always have girlfriends. I have never seen anyone who would openly support those two vastly different groups of douche-bags; however if these two groups of jerks are as horrible as comedians and the internet make them out to be…those styles wouldn’t exist ( like women shaving their head or male tramp stamps).
My feelings on this topic are simple: Dress appropriately yet fancy. Always. Let me explain this part a little better before I move on to other opinionated opinions of mine. What I mean by “dress appropriately yet fancy” is that I always try to be the best dressed person in the room. No matter what the room is. Even when I dress casual, every move is calculated and planned. You can rock hoodies, just don’t make them look disgusting. Hoodies can pull an outfit together very nicely, or you can look like an oxy-dealer.
One thing that is known about me is that I’m a brand-whore. A “brand-whore” is someone who only cares about who makes the clothes and not necessarily what they look like. I’m not saying that you have to buy $300 jeans like me, but there are some stores that all men should frequent (ex: Brooks Brother, Express). Those are the type of places that can shine up a turd really nice. I am not saying waste your money on your wardrobe but I am saying that your wardrobe shouldn’t be the summer collection at Target.
Since I am much better at telling people what not to do rather than telling people what to do, so here goes some bullet points. Also, this is more geared to look like me so please ignore it if you would prefer to look like a trashbag threw up on a diaper.
- Light jeans and dark colors do not mix. Dark jeans and light colors do mix.
- Popped collars are for jerks. Stiff collars that don’t go down are a different story.
- Deep V-neck t-shirts went out with Daniel Tosh’s relevance.
- Use some sort of product in your hair other than human grease.
- Get a haircut ever 2-3 weeks despite your hairstyle. Tighten up the back and sides, you heathen. Consider the options of a stylist v. a barber. Mom’s shouldn’t cut hair.
- Color coordinate. Don’t look like a circus clown shot you with a color gun. Does that even exist? Well, whatever. Earth tones? Beach tones? These are all things that do exist and don’t clash. You’re better than that.
- If I see you in a grey suit in the summer, I will fucking kill myself.
- Horizontal stripes are for rugby players.
- Snapbacks are not cool anymore.
- ONE conversation piece per outfit. Fedora (one per crew), sports coat, bracelet, etc. Your outfit should make a statement not put on a show.
- Part two: Don’t wear more jewelry than the girls you’re hitting on. One gold chain *if you must* and maybe a watch and bracelet. Anything more and you’re Johnny Depp. You’ve never been Captain Jack Sparrow, you can’t
- Oh a sports jersey, you must be on your way to the stadium? Oh you aren’t? Now you are on your way to the hospital.
- Ed Hardy, Affliction.. it’s all Tapped Out. Get it?
- Glasses with the frames popped out? C’mon. Stop being a dummy.
- Your t-shirt is too small for you, sir. Maybe try something with less elastic by the bicep. You’re at a fancy place. Stop looking like you’re ready for bed.
- Don’t be afraid to “Gay it up” in the bathroom. No one will see. Maybe an apricot scrub for your dirty pizza face? Some lotion for your dry knuckles? Maybe a whitening tooth paste? Think about how gay you can be if no one knows.
- You can rock a sports coat with jeans. Just google Justin Timberlake.
- Humor t-shirts are for 7th graders. I don’t care what the voices in your head say.
- Black socks and underwear can save oneself a ton of embarrassment…
- No one worries about the white after Labor Day law anymore. However, don’t be surprised if someone judges you in the winter.
- Do NOT wear a $1,000 outfit and have your sneakers look like you just got out of the Boston Marathon. Fresh whites go a long way.
- I understand that you work out, but people can still tell with your shirt on, Mr Wifebeater-man
- I also understand that a hoodie or a plain white T will make you look like you aren’t trying too hard but this is about standing out in a crowd.
- No socks with sandals. No crocs. No shoes that outline your toes. No boat shoes unless going on a boat.
- And finally, NO ONE can pull of jean shorts. Not a single person.
Ok, I think that is good enough to start you off. For further reading, check the links out at the bottom. Also, I can field questions or if something is borderline douchey. So don’t be afraid to comment and ask. It can be anonymous.
10 ways to dress nice (AskMen) or the opposite. 10 fashion tips for a douche bag. Also here’s another cool article on style and Joe Namath (NY Times). Just click “Skip ad” at the top right of the page you get taken to.