Personally, I have ignored internet dating for too long. I recently signed up to Plenty of Fish only a few months ago and other than a quick stint on Adult Friend Finder, I haven’t really experimented with this virtual phenomena.
Internet dating is a beautiful thing. The people that have been using it correctly have been hooking up and getting married for years now. These guys like that eHarmony fella is making bank and has done more commercials than 90% of the working actors that I know. I have also heard that people have been getting relationships and married off of POF. To me, that’s like being taught algebra in Mandarin. It does not make sense.
Let’s get this part over with so we can start with some pictures and jokes. This next segment was brought to you by House of Pain..
The first reason why internet dating is awkward is that the first thing you always want to say to someone is “How come you failed IRL?” and that is never a good sign. I always have to stop myself from going “Why is a pretty girl like you on this site? How crazy are you?” I know for a fact that girls think the same way. Girls usually think “Oh, here’s a cool guy. I wonder why he’s not taken. He’s probably just looking for booty calls.”
Ironically, this is usually the case with most people you will meet on the internet. You just have to experience their flaws in person, at least once, before you can actually realize they exist. No one is going to say “Hi, My name is Hugh and I’m a sociopathic alcoholic that has way too many cats.” You just do not see that.
One thing that can help prevent time wasting is if we work on our screening process of who we go on a dates with. Only through research can we stop wasting our time on pointless dates of people that are barely interested in us to begin with. The only flaw to this plan is a devious liar that tries to trick everyone but I’ve noticed that assholes are usually lazy. Exhibit A:
I always tend to look at the words that people write. Like really look at them. Do a little analysis, you know? Everyone is going to say: “Hey what’s up? My name’s Douchenozzle and I like to laugh. I’m really outgoing. I like sports, music and movies. I hate drama, jerks and racism.” If you see a profile like that, just run. Don’t stop running until the internet connection is lost. Then smash your computer. Those people are uninteresting and won’t be creative in anything they do. Trust me.
I think the key is when people describe a hobby that you find interesting that they go into a bit of detail about it. For example: “I like music. My favorite band is The Doors. I think Jim Morrison was the best rock star.” or something like this: “My favorite author is Charles Bukowski. I just finished his The Flash of Lightning Behind the Mountain.” You see where this is going right? If they don’t speak to it specifically, they probably don’t know about it. Otherwise, the person will try to be as vague as possible as to not get caught in a lie.
Another way to tell if a person is full of shit in their profile is if their “Looking for:” is something unrealistic. If they are saying that they are looking for a person that has a good heart…nice. Stop there. A person can have a good heart. However, if the reality of it is that you want to find someone handsome who has a good heart, maybe you should write that?
Then sometimes you see someone who writes something ridiculous that doesn’t even exist like “I want a masculine and sensitive guy with his shit together who can still have fun. I want a guy to settle down with and be spontaneous with. I want a guy that can stimulate my mind and make me laugh.” That is something that will never exist, guys. Here is an example of that “Hidden Language” of dating…
For example, a bad profile would be this: “I’m too tired to come up with something I’d actually take pride in at the moment, so I’ll hold off on this. But I guess I’ll just keep rambling for a minute. Because if I don’t they’ll yell at me for not writing enough. Oh balls.” A person who just hit me up on POF had that as her profile. What did I just learn? Hm that maybe your lazy, possible narcoleptic, uncreative and boring. How long has that been up there? No one knows. You could have a brand new profile, or you could have the first profile ever made.
The next thing I wanted to talk about is the pictures. The dreaded pictures. Maybe other sites are different but Plenty of Fish is awful with the amount of pictures one profile can have. It is a free site so you can’t expect too much, but come on. 6 pictures is not enough. It is still really easy to fool someone. I have been fooled before and I probably will be fooled again. I feel like most girls are photoshop wizards. There’s crazy angles and selfies instagram color distortion. Then if you take a few shots from far away, then you take a few pictures with friends, I don’t even know who I am talking to. There are girls that weigh more than me that have cute faces and 6 pictures all taken from above the waist. That’s not fair. What if you have a circumference? Like a circle? That’s why I instituted the Facebook rule. Gotta friend them on Facebook. They may post their best 6 pictures but their friends will be brutal jerks that post them at their worst.
Plus with all these Catfish and TCAP shows. How do you even know who you’re talking to? Monte Teo’s girlfriend? Might have been a dog. A dog, the whole time.
Sure you go ahead and give your phone number to them. “I’ll call them!” you say, “Then they will have to be a real person.” Yeah, like that will work…