I was bored and googled “Things I need to know before I die” and this article came up that had some really interesting things. Most of which I knew already, which didn’t do much for my confidence but it did have some things pertaining to dating which made it relevant for my little slice of internet here.
The best thing I saw on that little list was “Learn how to flirt” and to someone like me, it just spills out of me. I can’t even control it. I flirt with secretaries and waitresses. I flirt with authority figures and my therapist. It’s like when Spiderman gets engulfed by the alien black slime-venom. Fuck, I’m pretty sure I’ve told a family member of the deceased that she looked phenomenal.
However, this now became a “thing” in my head and thus became a “post” in my blog.
Now let’s let Dr. Murray take you to fucking school, shall we motha-fuckas? Sex researcher Timothy Perper says that “Flirting captures the interest of the other person and says ‘Would you like to play?’ Flirting opens a window of potential. Not yes. Not no.” So remember that when you go into any conversation with intent. The other person’s intentions may not match yours. Many of life’s questions boil down to “What were my expectations going into this? Did I listen to the Gin Blossoms and expect nothing so I couldn’t be let down?”
Anyway, I used to think flirting was a natural ability that was passed down to you from your father. Partly because my dad’s a pimp and partly because I don’t understand science. It was something wrapped tight around your DNA that it couldn’t be learned. Then, I thought it was a specifically crafted art and some people understood and others would never hope to dream about. Now, I’ve come to realize it’s a God damned science, yo (Click here* for more info)(Or a woman’s point of view)
Flirting is such a tough topic because there are so many ulterior motives. Sometimes you get the married person looking for a confidence booster. Sometimes you get the person with the relationship problems looking to make someone jealous. Sometimes you get the person that is secretly making fun of you. However, sometimes you get that genuine person and this article is for them. Flirting, in it’s most simple form, is testing the value of a potential mate. So the first three people I mentioned were not potential mates, I would hope.
The problem with dating (in general) is that girls are usually attracted to guys with the characteristics for the short term. One night stands or bad relationships that die fast and die hard. As Jean Grey said “Logan, girls flirt with the bad boy, they don’t bring him home.” The problem lies there. Girls are going to be snatched up by the experienced flirters and bad boys subconsciously before the nice guys even have a chance. This is a guide to help the nice guys, from an asshole. Go figure.
I think the biggest process is to learn when to flirt. Most people think that they can only flirt at bars, social gatherings or Facebook. This is false. I remember a time when flirting on MySpace and Bars actually got you laid. I do. I’m fucking 26. I’m not old. That shit used to work. Now, if you message a girl on Facebook you are compared to a kid-toucher. If you approach a girl at a bar during girl’s night, you might get eaten by the linebacker friend.
You see why this turned into a taboo, right? It’s because this is fake confidence. Getting all liquored up and stumbling over to a girl to tell her “I like your face” is not earth-shaking any longer. You need to go above and beyond. Don’t sit behind your computer screen having a flame war on which wrestler is best, arranging a fist fight over Call of Duty and then hitting on girls through private message. It’s false confidence. You’re not really being you. You’re being your Skyrim character. In my case I’m Hugh the Hellfire Knight. Breton battlemage.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “But Hugh…where can I hit on a girl? All I do is drink, play video games, go to the gym and Facebook.” Well, my friend…you need to get out more. The gym is also a bad place to hit on a girl. Yesterday, I was running at the gym between my two best friends in the world and I was frustrated when they talked to me. Imagine being an awesome looking female wearing yoga pants and a sports bra, with no make up and earphones in. Now imagine some sweaty dick saunters over stinking like shame and says “Come here often?” How annoyed would you be? Girls also view guys as “Crazy” when these guys are hitting on girls at the gym because they are not dressed up and are wearing no make-up. But honey, just because you think you look like a dumpster fire, doesn’t mean we do.
I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t hit on girls in these places. I think people should throw themselves out there as often as possible. Don’t hit for power like Mark McGwire. Hit for average like Derek Jeter. You feel me? I just think it’s more impressive to walk up to a woman, bone-dry sober, while you are just as vulnerable as her and tell her that you would like to see her some more.
Again, my issues with the internet come back to the surface. Facebook creepin’ came about with the invention of internet dating. The only aggravating part is that most girls are just on those sites to be told how pretty they are. They never message anyone back. They just need a quick confidence boosting and concrete proof they are “SOoO over that douche bag” to show their friends and themselves.
My biggest success stories have come from the internet, school, and work. Of course bars work but that’s the obvious one. Get a side job working in the mall and be amazed at the opportunities you have with women. Or just people in general. There is a world outside of your shitty IT gig at Derpcorp.
And as for the bar, here’s the general rule… Make eye contact. Count alligators. Anything over 2 alligator and you’re golden. Anything over 5 alligator and she wants you dead. Normal eye contact lasts a fraction of a second. Prolonged eye contact either means flirtation or hostility. Eye contact triggers a smile? Read next picture.
As always, I’m flipping it to Bullet Points because I’ve developed what we in the biz call a “Format.” However they will be in random order because I’m not that gifted, yet:
- Start with informal conversation and a very small compliment (ex: That’s a nice color on you. What gym do you work out at?). Lead into personal details, only after they do. Throw in a joke or two, after the conversation is already flowing, of course. If she’s laughing, she’s yours. Sexual innuendo? More like in your endo.
- We remember not to use pick up lines, right? Or else you are gonna have a bad time.
- Make sure you are flirting with people who will generally return your advances. Otherwise, consider your confidence crushed.
- Check out body language and tone of voice. Are they making eye contact when you speak (The person speaking always looks away, That’s normal.)? Smiles? Extremely light physical contact? (like arm touching or a poke?)
- When you meet new people their initial impression is based off of 55% appearance, 38% on your style of speaking and 7% on what you actually say.
- Personal space is between 18 inches and 4 feet. Stay out of there, close talking weirdo (face to face convos only). If you’re shoulder to shoulder, staring at the TV or dance floor or bar, be close. The closer the better. Just don’t make it awkward. Awkwardness is like parallel parking a car. You won’t know you’re too close until it’s too late, so be careful.
- No arm folding. No yawning. No nervous tapping when they are talking. Don’t cross your legs when you hear something you don’t like. Subconsciously, if the person you’re talking to mimics your posture, game on.
- Have to go to the bathroom? Smoke? Do it before you initiate conversation. Unless you know she smokes and then that might be a good time to approach her.
- When you first make eye contact, do not “eye-brow flash.” The eye-brow flash is only for experienced flirters. Never use it in Japan, that means you wanna fuck.
- Does she crack a joke? Don’t forget to laugh, you narcissistic asshole.
- Sitting at the bar? Fair game. Sitting at a table? Don’t approach.
- Do not over extend too early. Don’t make intentions clear. This is a cute little game of cat and mouse. Remember, you’re so money you don’t even know it.
Wow. So the shortened version has also became way too long. This isn’t a perfect method. What I’m trying to do is force you to take a step back and think about all the times you have failed. Then see if this advice could have helped you and maybe change up something in your game that you didn’t know you were doing wrong. Sometimes it’s a very subtle change that you were doing subconsciously. This is science.
*Warning: First website is entirely TOO creepy. Refers to “person you want to speak to” as “target”
** The entire article is basically from those two links. They are both really long, so consider this the tl;dr version. The reader’s digest. Full of paraphrasing and plagiarism. Props to those writers, but most of this was written before I even read their articles all the way through. So, in short, this shit is in my wheel house. Take it for what it’s worth.