The internet is a fascinating thing and we have to give props to Al Gore when props are due. At this point, I couldn’t picture life without it. You do everything on the internet now. This is a good and bad thing. If you are a normal person, you are in for a rude awakening. This post might turn you into a hermit. It’s also a great opportunity to post some funny memes. Since I added pictures to this blog, it has been the funnest part for me. So rock with it, yo.
Part of the problem with social networking and internet dating is that you can basically set up a decoy. No one is going to tell you that they are a crazy person in their “About Me.” What we are going to do today is show some generic characteristics of crazy people who you can memorize and use as a template for judging insanity before it is revealed.
Kris Kross will make you wanna JUMP
(once again, any similarities to real people that I know is purely coincidental and you should listen to the song “Your So Vain” by Carly Simon)
Let me start this off by saying that we are all crazy. Or more specifically, everyone has “a crazy.” I’ve often said that the key to finding a healthy relationship is finding someone’s crazy that you can relate to. Find someone not as crazy as the rest. The key to Stand Up Comedy is presenting your crazy in a funny way. The key to finding a good job is hiding your crazy. Do you understand?
Back to my point, the internet is disrupting our judge of crazy. A lot of people are desensitized to it. Back in our Dad’s day, you knew who was crazy by who was socially awkward. Now the socially awkward are the kings on the internet. They appear normal or goofy. Trench coats and mustaches became ironic. You know the old saying, not every person with a mustache is a pedophile, but every pedophile has a mustache. You make fun of them? Well, now your cell phone number is on Reddit and people are asking you for a copy of Battletoads. Turn someone down for a date? You’re now a meme of Slut Girl or Scumbag Steve.
And women? What the fuck? There used to be no creepy women. They were just called “dedicated.” Now that they have the right to vote, they also have the right to stalk.
The issue I have is that people who can’t internet properly can’t get away with things. All of a sudden you’re getting google searched and you are famous for being Fake Nerd Girl or Creeper Man. Your job sees you partying on the weekend. You get quoted on Page 7 of the NY Post for having a Batman quote in your Twitter. Where I’m going with this is that everyone’s profile basically becomes generic. There are companies that do damage control for google searching. Those people can really do more harm than good. If they are paid enough money, I bet they could take someone’s photo off of Watchdog. They’re like the modern day sell swords. (Editor’s Note: I’m so excited for Game of Thrones)
There it is. Now you are realizing that the people with the weirder profiles are actually being honest. The people with the least amount of information are most likely the shadiest. Does he not have a picture of himself in his default pic? Is there 3 girls in her default pic so you have to play Russian Roulette as to who is friend requesting you? Is everything blank except for an email address that is borderline scary like PsychoClown666 at Hotmail dot com? Maybe it’s from his Insane Clown Posse phase but still, who the fuck uses Hotmail? Is this 1998?
I’ve been asking around how to tell if someone is crazy. Mostly people are saying “It’s in the eyes” but come on, does this guy look crazy to you?
Alright, well I want to list a whole bunch of these without structuring it like an adult. Switch it to Bullet Points you say? Challenge accepted.
- If he can quote Tyler Durden almost a little TOO well: “Yeah, I feel you. I’m sorry your parents died, but only after we’ve lost everything are we free to do anything. You know?”
- If they keep joking about looking through your phone: “Haha like wouldn’t it be so funny if I just knew the password to your phone? Like what would I see? OMG. Imagine? Lol.”
- Facebook friend requesting everyone you mention in conversation, even if they have never met: ” I might know him. Michael who? How do you spell that?”
- Minimizes all of your issues in favor for light problems of their own: “I understand that you just got out of rehab for heroin. My friend did vicodin for 11 days straight. So I can relate.”
- Gets suicidal over little things and then forgets they are a whack-a-doo just minutes later: “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself. I won’t have anything else to live for. Wanna go grab tacos and watch Space Jam?”
- They watch the Investigation and Discovery Channel almost a little too religiously: “What do you mean you want to watch a movie tonight? Unusual Suspects marathon, come on! My favorite part is seeing where the killer slips up.”
- They are over 30 years old and only listens to Dubstep: “I dunno, I just enjoy the lasers in this song.” (Editor’s Note: Probably. I have no friends that like Dubstep.)
- They don’t have any friends of the same-sex: “So I was with my BFF’s this weekend. It was so great. We went to Atlantic City. It was me, Steve, Joe, Jason, Brian and Nick. We all slept in the same room. What an awesome weekend. I can barely walk. You know, from walking the boardwalk so many times.”
- They reply to their “stalker”: “OMG. I can’t take this anymore. He won’t leave me alone. I’m trying to tell him to stop. What do you mean just stop answering him? I am NOT leading him on. I’m just not a mean person.”
- All the crazy pours out during a black out: “I’m sorry. I took my heart medicine before wine night with the girls. I don’t really hate your family. No, I didn’t cheat on you. Yes your lizard is still alive. You know I would never do that sober.”
- She gives hypotheticals: “If I was dead…I died peacefully in my sleep… and my 19-year-old sister and my Cuban-gymnast best friend were hysterical at the funeral service…way too drunk…then they came on to you and asked you for a threesome, would you stay faithful to me?”
- They need to be reassured every 15 minutes: “Hey. I guess you’re not home. I’m just leaving a message to see if you got my other messages. It’s just, I never got your voicemail when we first dated. Are you losing interest?”
- Way too jealous: “No, babe. I know you’re at your best friend’s baby shower. I just heard a dude’s voice. What do you mean “catered?!” Catered from where? Chip N Dale’s?!?”
- They live in a fantasy world: “That’s exactly like When Harry Met Sally with a twist of Pretty in Pink and a splash of Love Actually! Maybe this is my Prince Charming?”
- You write a narcissistic, sociopathic blog about giving dating advice but have never had a successful relationship: “Hey, my name’s Hugh Murray.”
Okay, I think that pretty much sums up every crazy person you could ever meet in your life, so I’ll leave you with that. Be careful of the person who seems “a little too normal” because odds are they had to delete their slug collection photos from Facebook so they could get a law enforcement job. With that said and creeps now know how to avoid being creepy even further, happy hunting weirdos.