Holla internet. If you have been a continued reader of the site, you know that I can’t post every day. It’s impossible. This isn’t like a celebrity gossip website where rich people are going to continually be stupid to give me things to write about. This a blog about life and sex and love and hate and embarrassment and shame and all those other awesome things.
Again, I start a post by apologizing because I feel like there are some new readers that need to learn about me as a person. I’m not lazy, it’s just I don’t create garbage. I wait until the genius is sending electronic signals from my brain down my spinal column to my fingers typing 60 something words per minute.
What I want to talk about today is how to pick up a girl at a bar without looking like a tool-shed. Also, I will break down common “pick up lines” and give you the translation that actually goes through a girl’s head when you say dumb things. Follow me over the jump.
The hardest thing in the world is approaching a girl when you have no idea what to say that would make you seem interesting. You get it in your head that the first words out of your mouth must be suave, cool, smart and funny. Well this is impossible, bruh. You’re not James Bond. If you’re not James Bond you’re gonna have a bad time. Pick up lines are the sexual equivalent of vomiting cheese on her.
For example, a girl once came up to me and said “Hey are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!” She was cute but after hearing that verbal diarrhea I said “No, they are 7 Jeans.” Then my friends and I threw darts at her the rest of the night. She had a bad time. What she meant to say was “Hey, I have a dumb personality and I think I’m funny so you might think I’m funny too. Buy me a drink?”
That is exactly what I mean. There’s a hidden language in all conversations but the first conversation between a man and a woman will be full of body language and signal reading. Mostly because women do not use logic.
I’ve heard some awful pick up lines. For example:
- “Hey nice shoes, wanna fuck?” – Classic example of a line that a girl chuckled at once upon a time when we were riding dinosaurs. Then the line was repeated and done to death and now it’s just there. It’s like a rock or a fence. Saying it is like yelling “STAPLER!!!” at a girl except Stapler might instill feelings in an Office Space die-hard. It’s nonsensical word-vomit.
- “Does this smell like chloroform to you?” – Used to be a funny line to say with your guy friends. Maybe get a girl with a nice sense of humor. Then it was used in a shitty Owen Wilson movie about not getting laid and now it does just that. Doesn’t get you laid. It’s one of those rape jokes that just desensitized people to rape. Real rape is stomach churning.
- “Wow you’d be pretty cute if it wasn’t for your nose.” – This shit actually works and Jim Jefferies did a whole episode of Legit on it. You have to be more subtle than this and don’t let it be the first words out of your mouth. Also have an Australian accent and be gorgeous. Otherwise, the girl might just throw her drink on you. Girls will forget every compliment ever given to them in the face of one insult.
- “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” – This means “Hey, I learned about women from my dad. I also listen to Foreigner and drive a Trans Am. I like Denim Jackets and segregation. Oh and for work? I am Chris Kattan in Night at the Roxbury during the day and I’ve never been able to kick a kickball.”
- “Girl, you must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all day!” -This means “Hey, I’ve seen Fresh Prince of Bell-Air. Have you?”
- “Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Enough to break the ice, my name’s Hugh..” – This shit actually worked for me in college. Since then? It was on Hogan Knows Best. His dumb kid who practically murdered his best friend uses that line. Do you want to murder your best friend? Ok. So enough about the polar bears and such.
- “Do you like jalapeños? Because I’m gonna be jalapeño ass later.” “Do you like Dragons? Because I’ll be dragon my balls across your face later.” “Do you like fitness? Cuz I’ll be fitness dick in your mouth later.” – All of that just means that you googled “word play” on the internet.
- “Did you just fart? Because you blew me away.” – Fart jokes are always hilarious. So I don’t see a problem in this but girls pretend they don’t fart so you will fail.
- “Wanna go halves in a baby?” – This shit has worked for me once upon a time. Young Jeezy then used it in a song and now it’s mainstream and done to death and ten times over. What this means is “I’m an unoriginal virgin that listens to rap when my black friends are around.”
- “Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.” Means I’m gonna rape you in every language ever.
Okay, so I think I mentioned that 3 of those actually worked for me. That just shows that I’m ahead of the curve. It’s a “Don’t Try This At Home, Kids” speech. Do as I say not as I do, children. Louis CK says the only honest thing you can say to a girl when you first meet is “Can I fuck your face?” and he’s right. The trick is “playing the game,” the cat and mouse bullshit. The wining, the dining. The whole damn thing. Do it. Don’t be lazy.
Right before I speak to a girl who I’m just about to meet for the first time, I like to think “Okay, this girl is smoking hot. How much bullshit has she heard in her lifetime from pathetic beta-males? How can I stand out so that she gains interest?” It’s basically like going before a judge. How many lies and dumb excuses has that judge had to deal with before your dumb ass gets in front of them and has to explain why you keep fucking up?
My best move? Being handsome. Other than that I’m also charming. But, I like to approach a girl and say “Hi, my name is Hugh. What’s yours?” I don’t get right in her grill and be like “Jager-bombs? C’mon female. Get drunk enough to fuck me!” You know what the underlining message of my line is? “Hey. My name is Hugh. What’s yours?” That’s fucking it. No hidden messages and bullshit body language. Now she’s thinking “Wow, he was confident enough to just approach me and start a conversation. Maybe he has something interesting to say and won’t try to date rape me. Plus, I know his name so I can text my mom in case he does decide to date rape me.”
Wrapping up. Girls are so desensitized to bullshit that it doesn’t work. Be yourself. Showcase a talent or two (i.e. Can you dance? Sing a mean karaoke? etc). Find common ground.Your best bet will be to start a conversation, make it interesting. “Oh you watch TV? I watch TV all the fucking time! This is crazy. Wow! You like music? No fucking way!! I LOVE music!”
In Mixed Martial Arts you don’t want a close fight to go to the score cards, same thing with women. Don’t leave things hanging out there for interpretation or you’re gonna have a bad time.