I really enjoyed writing that last article. I’ve been getting such great criticism from everyone so I figured I would get back at it. I just wish that you guys would comment on some articles, maybe retweet/share? I said in the first post that this blog can be greatness if we get some war stories or conundrums that need solving from the readers. I know you’re reading the god damned words. I have a site tracker. It’s like I have 200 trolls every time I post. Just lurking in shadows like some sort of vulture-like date rapist. Yeah, I called my own fan base vulture-like date rapists. I’ve got stones.
Anyway, there’s me pathetically opening up the article. Next step is presenting the topic. The topic? Sex. This is something that I tried to avoid because sex is such a dumb topic. Every dude thinks he’s THE man with a Mandingo sized schlong that dicks every bitch down and makes them scream in pleasure while every girl thinks she’s some sort of prude choir girl librarian that has yet to pop her maidenhood.
So let’s get down and dirty on the topic of getting down and dirty. Join me after the jump..
I’m not going to say that I know exactly what I’m doing and can get any girl off whenever I feel like it. I promise you I won’t do that. I’ve had women on 2 occasions tell me to just give up because they can’t get off from penetration. I’ve heard this is common, but then again…I’m paranoid, cynical and self-loathing enough to think it’s me and that I’m the problem. The same way as if a girl would act after a night of heavy blackout drinking followed by sex and you don’t explode in 7 shaft pumps, she won’t think she’s pretty.
“IS THAT IT?!! AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?” I would yell at these women, but they would promise me that I was pretty and I would stop crying. Anyway, does that condition even exist? Is that why those girls were such miserable bitches? They couldn’t orgasm? Is that just a myth? Like civil rights?
Then I would go on the internet and research the clitoris and all those mythical punching bag vagina parts that need to be touched. I’m like Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds. So I did become an expert on the topic, quickly. However, after reading about the Force, I still can’t control things through telepathy. So I’m well learned, well-practiced but not at 100% success rate. So you just can’t read about things and master them. Right, young padawan?
Plus I’m a selfish jerk. Some guys try to name all the Yankees, some people picture their grandma naked… That’s not me, that costs extra.
But again, I don’t know who my readers are. Should I be talking about “How to get laid” or should I be talking about “How to fuck properly.” And whose fault is that, you guys?
There are people out there that would consider “Hitting the clitoris” like “Hitting Bigfoot with a stick” but those little boys are not as experienced as you or I.
My first piece of advice in all of this pointless banter and insane ramblings of an insane person is: Get Amnesia. Seriously. Don’t become a scripted sexer. It won’t work out well for you. Don’t get used to fucking one way because every girl is going to be different. It’s like mastering the controls of Assassin’s Creed only to find out that the next game has different controls. How’s that for comparisons? Boom. Vagina to Assassin’s Creed. I’m the king of writing. Amnesia can be useful ask any quarterback or comedian.
I guess with anything, practice makes perfect but unless a girl just literally can’t stop sucking dicks then you might not be able to practice the sex. That’s why some research helps. Don’t pick up your techniques from porn. Girls don’t like a fleshy jackhammering and hitting. I think? Those ladies in the video seem to enjoy it. But then again, someone with Stockholm syndrome loves their kidnappers.
After 700 words, I think the best thing I can say is learn what she likes. She will be dropping hints because most girls do not come out and say what gets her hot. Girls are a shy creature by nature. She’s not going to be like “Choke me and tell me I’m not pretty” but there will be clues. You just have to look and listen.
Before you yell “Bro, you listen to chicks, bro? That’s gay.” I have to add that listening is the only way you can please your lady. Talking is like drugs to them. I’m not saying that you have to sit there and listen to all the pointless dribble of what co-worker is a slutty bitch but when she actually starts talking actually listen.
Recap: Get Amnesia. Don’t learn from Porn. When she actually starts talking, actually listen. Did we have a nice time in school, kids?
