Uh? I was at the gym and took a shower?
The internet is a fascinating thing and we have to give props to Al Gore when props are due. At this point, I couldn’t picture life without it. You do everything on the internet now. This is a good and bad thing. If you are a normal person, you are in for a rude awakening. This post might turn you into a hermit. It’s also a great opportunity to post some funny memes. Since I added pictures to this blog, it has been the funnest part for me. So rock with it, yo.
Part of the problem with social networking and internet dating is that you can basically set up a decoy. No one is going to tell you that they are a crazy person in their “About Me.” What we are going to do today is show some generic characteristics of crazy people who you can memorize and use as a template for judging insanity before it is revealed.
Kris Kross will make you wanna JUMP
(once again, any similarities to real people that I know is purely coincidental and you should listen to the song “Your So Vain” by Carly Simon)
Shouldn’t have started this with a gay fist, huh?
Adding a jump to clean up the home page.
Big Bang Theory’s entire premise as a show
Holla internet. If you have been a continued reader of the site, you know that I can’t post every day. It’s impossible. This isn’t like a celebrity gossip website where rich people are going to continually be stupid to give me things to write about. This a blog about life and sex and love and hate and embarrassment and shame and all those other awesome things.
Again, I start a post by apologizing because I feel like there are some new readers that need to learn about me as a person. I’m not lazy, it’s just I don’t create garbage. I wait until the genius is sending electronic signals from my brain down my spinal column to my fingers typing 60 something words per minute.
What I want to talk about today is how to pick up a girl at a bar without looking like a tool-shed. Also, I will break down common “pick up lines” and give you the translation that actually goes through a girl’s head when you say dumb things. Follow me over the jump.
The last post that I did like this generated nothing for me. However, I enjoyed doing it. Basically that’s what my life boils down to. Doing what I want despite positive reinforcement. This is a collection of posts that have been relevant since the last post.
BULLET POINTS FTW
- “We just sat back and let Hugh talk. He’s a crazy person.” -Bryan McKenna to Mike Keegan about my podcast appearance on M&M Radio
- “Hey, Hugh…Stay alive man. Seriously. The earth needs you to stay alive.” -Asie
- “These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger…” -Description of Borderline Personality Disorder
- “I should record you.” -Mike Keegan during a shit storm of Hugh Murray
- “When you’re born, you get poured a shot from the liquor of life. Some people will never get drunk. Hugh, you will never be sober. Don’t pour that shot out, man.” -Anthony Messina
- “I saw a sign that said ‘Do Not Open Door’ so I said fuck it. Opened it and went into the room, then proceeded to fall down 35 stairs.” -Brandon Rea
- “Once you stop listening is the second I stop talking.” -HDM4 to my 9th symphony
- “God forbid Hugh Murray lives happily ever after. Don’t bore me with the Hugh Murray has no soul routine.” -Melissa
- “I would feel much more comfortable with Hugh Murray running the world than the idiots we have now.” -Anonymous
- “No one is going to trick me into feeling Christlike.” -Victor Mancini from Choke written by Chuck Palahniuk
- “So what are you the treasurer of some little motorcycle gang?” -HDM4 to a midget biker
- “I have to leave right now before bad things happen and I do bad things to you.” -Girl at the bar to me while her boyfriend did a soft cuckold whimper.
- “They’re hungry? They’re hungry?!? WELL LETS GO OUT THERE AND SHOVE OUR DICKS IN THEIR MOUTH!!!” -Coach Spellman’s pre-game speech before playing Freeport and D’Brickashaw Ferguson.
- “Weed? Isn’t that a gateway drug? Let’s do real drugs. Oh, sorry Hugh. That joke would’ve crushed if you weren’t here.” -Boz
- “Hugh Murray, the classic bull in a China shop.” -Anthony DiDomenico on Organized Chaos radio
- “Yeah. This faggot wore a suit and took a picture in a court house bathroom in Mineola and called himself “fly” like he’s an extra on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” -Terry McNeely about me on stage
- “How come every time you order a Blue Moon you make a joke about scurvy then eat the orange? Are you insecure in your drink choice, faggot?” – Anthony Messina to me
- “You look like a comedian.” -Random girl to me during group therapy
- “Yeah I have more than one girlfriend. I’m 25 and good looking. Can I live?!?” – Chris
- “How many times am I going to write my stupid fucking name in a post?” -Me thinking right now.
The End. Drumming up some advice columns and some inner mental anguish soon. Check back later today.
Bane was in the ultimate friend zone
It’s been an intense couple of weeks. I’ve been on quite a few podcasts and told a bunch of stories from my personal life that would categorize me as a crazy person. However, these podcasts have been fun and also very interesting. The hosts of the shows have often had an issue with a lady that they wanted help with. I’ve gladly helped.
It gave me the idea for this post, a post on the dreaded Friend Zone. This has to be a guy’s biggest fear like other than being set on fire, of course. It basically boils right down to the old saying “Nice guys finish last.” Right? That’s what everyone thinks? Well, we will get into all of that after the jump. Follow me, please.
I really enjoyed writing that last article. I’ve been getting such great criticism from everyone so I figured I would get back at it. I just wish that you guys would comment on some articles, maybe retweet/share? I said in the first post that this blog can be greatness if we get some war stories or conundrums that need solving from the readers. I know you’re reading the god damned words. I have a site tracker. It’s like I have 200 trolls every time I post. Just lurking in shadows like some sort of vulture-like date rapist. Yeah, I called my own fan base vulture-like date rapists. I’ve got stones.
Anyway, there’s me pathetically opening up the article. Next step is presenting the topic. The topic? Sex. This is something that I tried to avoid because sex is such a dumb topic. Every dude thinks he’s THE man with a Mandingo sized schlong that dicks every bitch down and makes them scream in pleasure while every girl thinks she’s some sort of prude choir girl librarian that has yet to pop her maidenhood.
So let’s get down and dirty on the topic of getting down and dirty. Join me after the jump..