I seem to always start posts off by apologizing to the audience about not writing enough, but I’m writing on New Year’s Eve so anyone complaining can eat Baby New Years’ diaper. It’s just because I’m terrible at opening things up. Regardless if it’s conversation, stand up comedy or writing.
I was thinking about copping out and just adding a post asking you to enjoy your holidays but that’s really not my style. I have about 4:36 (hours:minutes) until I’m going to start heading to a hotel across the street from the Chateau Briand and stick my tongue down some au pair’s mouth when the clock strikes midnight. And then I’ll go from six to midnight.And not one of those stinky Swedes. I’m gonna get me a Croatian!
Check out my New Year’s advice after the jump.
And hopefully they don’t replace Dick Clark with Stuttering John because I was hoping that the countdown actually lines up with the ball dropping this year. Ah, I love jokes. I’m just kidding, of course they got Ryan Seacrest to host it. Does that guy do anything else? He’s just a TV friendly dork that hosts everything? It’s like Billy Crystal and Dick Clark created him in a lab.
There is a reason why I’m not writing as much as one would expect from a person that just started a blog but it’s because I’m actually pouring a lot of heart and soul into each post. There is a lot of laughter and crying and anger coming from my mom’s basement right now. I’ve smoked like two packs of cigarettes and I’m going to get through this so you will have something to read while you take a shit right after dinner.
Since this blog started, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection that has actually taken people by surprise because the one’s who have read this don’t find me as much of a narcissistic scumbag as they once did, which is kind of cool, I guess. And what I’m trying to say is that I’m keeping true to earlier promises made in past posts and it’s driving me nuts in an internal struggle that Jesus and el Beelzebub would admire.
This particular post was inspired by a few thoughts. One being the holidays and me forgetting to say “Happy Holidays” before Christmas and Jew-Week.
The second came from watching Mr and Mrs Smith on TV last night. I know, it’s a pretty dumb movie and a lot of women hate it because it ruined Brad and Jennifer Aniston. But there is one part of the movie where Brad is talking to Angelina over the phone about the first time they met. He said she looked like “Christmas morning” and didn’t explain it further. I thought that was one of the best ways to ever describe another person. That feeling that exists only once a year, that is what I’m looking for in another person. That is what I’m trying to give the world. I’m trying to be like Christmas morning.
And some people might not understand “Christmas morning” as a term, so lets break it down. It basically says that the person instills a sense of tranquility over you. Where you are in an awe stricken daze of emotions rushing through your veins setting your skin on fire to the point where you shout out in ecstasy. Then you rush to the person (the presents), slide on your knees, tackle them and tear away their wrappings and have sex with your toys.
What? It started out nice but took a weird twist. I’m bad with metaphors.
I think I proved my point.
It’s the feeling you get from the person that makes you smile no matter what else is going on in your life. Every person has someone in their life like this. If you think you don’t, you just haven’t figured it out yet.
And the third and final thought that inspired this post was a comparison that I was working on for my stand up act between being hungry and being horny. Hear me out on this before you start judging…
If you think about it being hungry and horny are two very similar things. They’re both “appetites.” They both can be filled to “satisfaction.” They are both true animalistic “dire needs.” Do you understand what I’m trying to say?
When you’re hungry, you’ll eat anything. I’m talking about hungry to the point where it hurts. If you have never been hungry to the point where it hurts, consider yourself blessed. Some people do it for weird reasons like losing weight, while others do it because they are poor African children with flies on their eyes on my TV. Some, like me, do it because they forget to eat (and one time I broke my jaw for a month). I just always waste so much time doing meaningless shit that I just forget to eat and then I end up at a bar at like 10pm with hunger pains because I realized I haven’t eaten in two or three days. Well, this is the type of hunger that I’m talking about. The type of hunger where foods you’ve never even have eaten look appetizing.
Sometimes it’s good to just eat anything really quick and get it out of the way so it’s easier to decide what you want for lunch. Do you understand what I’m saying with this? You never go shopping hungry.
Just like you never fire an employee for stealing at a gun store? Wait, what? I need an analogy book.
But back to my point. How can I, in good faith, pick the girl that is right for me if I’m just looking to party? And this is why no relationships starts on New Years Eve, St Patrick’s day or the day before Thanksgiving. When was the last time that you heard of a relationship that started on one of those three days?
So in closing, some nights are there to just have fun and be with good company or family. Don’t waste your time thinking about relationships tonight.This is why some need to just initialize the “slump buster” and get New Years out of the way and make a few mistakes. Then spend the rest of the year trying to be a better person. As for me? I’ll pick up the search for Mrs. Hugh IV (OPERATION: MRSHIV) tomorrow and hopefully I’ll figure out if I want a sandwich or a taco.
PS, If anyone has some good New Year’s Resolutions post them below or message them to me privately. I’d like to post them all next week.