I’ve decided to switch this little slice of the internets up to a “dating blog”. I think Maxim probably has this covered for most guys (COUGHwhodontgetlaidCOUGHCOUGH) or maybe you head to KSK and get Fantasy and Love advice from Matt Ufford. Who knows what you do. You’re weird.
It’s hard to give dating advice because people just automatically cast you off as an over-confident douche-virgin. “Oh you have it all figured it out? Aren’t you late for the gang bang?” That’s what I imagine people are going to comment on random posts throughout this blog that don’t understand what I’m going for. The simpleminded beta-males that troll the internet in search of lulz.
Well, dating is something that I talk about heavily in my stand up act and something I actually know about and am good at. A fellow comic and good friend of mine, Anthony DiDomenico is quoted to have said: “I hate watching girls hit on you after our shows. It’s like your fucking act comes to life.”
I don’t know why it comes easy to me, it just does. People say that they’ll never understand women, I understand them perfectly. It really just boils down to two easy steps: 1. Women are very emotional, impulsive, sentimental and cerebral creatures and the quicker you come to grips with that, the quicker it can work in your favor. And my favorite saying of all time…2. “Control the controls.” Obviously, I’ll explain this much more later. And just a “PS” Always, “use logic.” It’s a secret inside joke with about 10,000 people but it has a double meaning. If you take everything very literal, it makes arguing very easy. No double meanings anymore, no hidden messages, no intentions. Make that very clear in any relationship and you will always make your partner look like a delusional warlock for trying to read your mind or expecting you to read hers.
I would eventually like to field questions and to make the advice work specifically to a person or situation because first of all, I’ll just be focusing on my problem and generic situations which can get droll and secondly I feel that people come to me for dating advice and to listen to them and more often than not, we figure it out TOGETHER (this isn’t just me fixing things here. YOU have to want the change for it to work.) and those couples should either be condemned or are still together and happy.
Then there’s also a crowd of guys that just need me to dick down their girlfriends one time and their women deal with me and that makes them run back to their man VERY quickly. They immediately will accept marriage proposals, end up having babies or living with their men. It’s like that shitty Dane Cook movie except I won’t steal your ugly girlfriend. I make you look better by comparison. See? Everybody wins.
So this is where I plug my shit: Logic1147@Gmail.Com or in 140 characters or less: @THElogic. Hit me up. Seriously. Let’s talk chicks, bro. Or vice versa. I will absolutely help the femanon understand males, that’s even easier but I will remind you in every conversation that the dog probably wants to bury his bone in your backyard. And that’s such a shitty stereotype, but I don’t think there is a man alive that doesn’t think about sex as much as women say they do. I’m writing this in a Starbucks right now and I have stared at every single butt that was worth staring at.
Quick Tip: Fellas, staring at butts is much better than staring at tits because of many reasons. Women know how to fool us and make their tits look better with push up bras and accentuating cleavage and what. Butts usually tell a nice story at what the whole body looks like. Lastly, you probably won’t get caught glancing at a hiney. However, her boobies are like 6 inches away from her away so unless your decked out in camouflage or a spy than I’d stay away from the tits so you don’t get tasered.
But seriously, folks…Participation always makes blogs a lot more fun. If you see I’m bringing this in a cool direction, tell me. If I’m be a self-serving douche that’s starting to like the smell of his own farts, tell me. Send in your horror stories, success stories, war stories, love at first sight, first date advice, general tips/tricks/cheat codes, ask a question…I’ll post anything. Draw a picture of yourself stabbing some utters dressed in drag. I don’t care.
My point is, I like pictures. Send me pics of exes that you want to get back, maybe I’ll post some dirty stuff about mine? We can get revenge. We can do a lot of cool shit. I don’t want this to be all about me…really. For once in my life I’m not just thinking about myself.
And on a more personal note, if life has you down…bitches be trippin’ just hit me up to talk. I can keep stuff private too. Let’s just be friends? Or make out?
I can’t lie to you, I do have an ulterior motives. I also want to figure out my own god damned problem. I have one issue with dating. I have to share it so you guys know my kryptonite. And no, it’s not that “I can’t get laid” or “I can’t find love” it’s a lot more specific than that.
It is impossible for me to have a relationship when I like a girl first….
Does that make sense? For example when I pursue a girl and then take her out, I try to have a relationship with her and make things work. I either fuck it up or she rips my heart out through my chest and uses my blood as lube while she sits on some other guy’s dick.
I don’t understand it. I have no problem having sex. Sex is easy. Love is hard. This blog will hopefully help us find both. Consider me the sociopath that becomes a psychologist to work out his own problems.
I will not be posting every day because I’m going to put a lot of thought (Read As: Dick jokes) into each post, so seriously…let me know if this is stupid before I spend days of my life writing about things and saying words when I could be masturbating with a belt around my neck or beating Assassin’s Creed 3. Anyway, take care for now.
Hugh Daniel Murray IV